I'm.....BACK, grin

Hello world!  I have been missing from the blogging world for most if not all of 2013.  That wasn't my intention....it just happened.  But it's high on my list to get back into blogging....even if I'm the only one reading my ramblings, grin.

On my mind today....posting personal things on a place like your Facebook.

Most people who know me know that I'm extremely open....pretty shy in person, but yet open and honest and blunt online.  It's a place I feel like I can just be myself.  I've said this a million times but one reason that I'm so so vocal about my feelings, things I've gone through/are going through, etc, is because by doing that it is the only way that I can show others that there is someone else out there that understands what they might be going through, someone that's just an ordinary person that they can talk to/share with.  I don't see anything wrong with it.  If anyone doesn't want to read the things I write...they can ignore it, they can hide my site, they can unfriend me, etc.  It won't upset me.  These things are both my right and theirs.

Yesterday I was 'playing' on Facebook and read someone's status.  It was all about people posting personal things.  While they did say it was everyone's right, it was clear and stated that they disagreed and felt that people who did this was wrong.  It really made me think a lot.  WHY?  Why is it wrong for people to post their open, honest feelings and share the real truths of their life?  Who is it that decides that those that do that is 'wrong' and that people shouldn't?  Why is it ok for people to constantly make comments about people who share openly?  Why can't people just ignore what they don't like, don't agree with, don't want to read?  And why is it that people who simply share so honestly about life are blamed for being negative....instead of just realistic about what's going on around them?

Is it because that sort of open honesty makes them feel uncomfortable?  Do they wish that they could be as free with their words?  Or is it something else?  What makes people feel like they have to post things against people instead of just letting them be themselves, live their life.

Yesterday I was reminded again of why I'm so open.  By my sharing my life with people, it allowed something to open up about some things to me.  Had I not done that first they probably would have never realized that I not only understand but that I am someone they can talk to.  THAT is why I do it.

I am me....it's all I will ever be.  And you know what?  I'm ok with that.  I don't understand why people have to look down to those that are like I am (and I know it's rare to be so open)....but I will continue to share, continue to ask for prayer and continue to be there for those that now know someone else understands.  I believe this is my calling.  I hope you like me.  Honestly I hope lots read what I write.  But if you don't want to....it's ok!

From Emma's Heart......5/31/13

ah, the yarn!

Finally a day when I felt like picking up the yarn.  And so far here is what i have so far:

And after so long of not having the energy or will to even look at any yarn, it's sure been nice to have it in my hands again today! :-)

Earlier today I had a routine Dr's appt.  Some time back I had to switch primary providers because the one I had quit her private practice.  I was so upset to have to change and had very little selection to choose from.  On my first visit I really didn't feel like things went very well as I didn't feel like I really connected with her.  That is important to me, to connect with my doctor,  because of my health issues.  I've only seen her a couple of times since and it's gone 'ok' but I've remained unsure.  So I was a bit worried about today's appointment.  But I was very pleasantly surprised that things seemed to go really well (in my eyes).  That's a good thing, grin.

After the appointment I treated myself to a chicken biscuit at Jack In The Box.  I wanted one from McD's but it was after their breakfast time so JITB it was for today.  It was good, but I think I like McD's better.  It's my new obsession!  I ran an errand....got my coke and headed home.

I got some laundry done.....although there is still way more to do, sigh.....it's just never ending lol.  Got the dishes caught up finally.  Yay!

It's been a productive day...I like that!

alone, again

You know, I really don't know how to go this alone......and without my friends that is what I am: alone.  And yet despite wanting and needing this so much I don't know how to have a relationship with them.  I feel like I will do them wrong and I will hurt them......and that is the very last thing that I want to do, sigh.

Seems like no matter what I do, or what I say, that is is just not 'right'.....it's not enough.  You know, it's really hard to live up to that.  I'm one person, I'm me....nothing less and nothing more, period.    I think it's virtually impossible to ignore and not care about what a spouse says to and about you......they are the one that should know you the best, they should be there regardless, etc.  And if they say it, what hope is it for anyone else to think differently.

I'll admit it....I really, really miss my friends.  SO much.  They are the ones that would listen to me and would love me no matter what.  That just isn't happening here.  If I don't do anything 'just right' (which is never) that I'm judged and found guilty.....I'm wrong.  I'm told that I'm the one (again) that's wrong here, as in every thing.  I treat my friends badly, etc.  Today I was told that I lose my frriend because I go on an don about things (meaning issues between us, etc).  I'm going to be honest and I gues that I am so completely dilusional buut I have NO idea what he's talking about.....or who.  I know he considers this an issue between us because he says so.....but I spend so much time over things because he wil never ever work on the, he won't try to figure them out, etc.  He simply wants to ignore it all.  And right or wrong, since he does when I have his attention I try so hard to talk it all over because i it's the only time I feel like I can.

One thing heavy on my heart today/tonight....ok, there is a lot.....but one I've dealt with this my entire life.  Never good enough, never done enough and what I do do isn't right.  Second.  now my daughter is brought into it and she hates me.  In fact she hates me so much.  You have no idea.  We had words last night.....words that of course did no good.  I want my husband and the realationship we had, I want me daughter.......but I'm such a horrible person and do everythign wrong.  Dang.

What ever happened to loving someone (esp a spouse or 'other half') unconditionally?  To me, that means that you love them whether you agree with they or not.....AND.....if you don't you let it go and show them love always.  You might wnat to 'help' them but you don't put them down, throw things in their face, etc.  You just simply love them....faults and all.  You don't make negative comments and you never give them this look that clearly shows them how displeased that you are about whatever you said or did.

Once you have spoken the words, there is no way to take them back......it just can not happen.  You can apologize but honestly that only goes so far when spoken in the 'heat of the moment'.  Does that makes sense?  Sometimes you can make it up to them by your actions, by making them know by what you do that you are sorry, won't do it again and wish you didn't do it to begin with.  But if you don't put forth the effort to tryty then they damage done by the words is even worse.  And take someone that has been abused by words their entire life and your words have just added to it, your words have further worked to destroy them.  Will they even recover?  Sometimes they are saying to their selves.....why bother (to recover) and who cares.....because they don't feel like anyone cares at all.  Yes, that's me.

I am stranded in a position that I can't get rid of.  I have 3 close family members.....one is very young and really doesn't factor into this.  But the other two do.  And both of have specifically told me that they don't want to hear me.....they don't want to work things out, they don't want to talk, the.y don't want me to talk.  As for the hubby.....what a situation I'm in.....you see if I speak up, he's upset and zones out, havinng barely anything to do with me.....BUT if I'm quiet, never bring anything up that needs to be talked about, never try to work through things, he's upset.....AND he thinks that there is nothing wrong between us, that things are ok and better and nothig needs worked on.  Talk about a catch 22 situation.  What am I supposed to do?  I believe in a normal relationship that you should be able to tak about things, work them through, etc.....but he doesn't.

There are two issues here (at least ones).....one that involves Meag (and I've been included from) and one between hubby and I.  Today I first asked him how we would handle these very things if they popped up with Meag....and was told we would do something about it.....and yet with Meat we won't.    I also asked him what his parents would do and how they would handle all of this (he looks up to them so much) and was told that pretty much that they wiould do as we would about Meag.....but yet with Meag we won't.  I'm stuck, I'm stranded.....I have no family, no friends, no where to go and no money........and no love.

You know that alll I want is what most people want......someone that loves them and loves them unconditionally, someone that is there for them, someone that stand by them and even speaks up for them....and I mean showing this, actions, not words that many times can just be speaken and have no or very little meaning.  You see......none of this is happening here.  In fact, it is quiet the opposite.  No matter what I say or do I'm wrong, I do it wrong.No one stands up beside me or speaks up in my defense.  No one loves me unconditionally.  Do you know how the hurts?  God, it really hurts, esp who is comes from.  I want more.....and I don't think that is too much to ask at all.  I think that that is what most people would want.  But I can't say so or speak up....because if I do, I'm put down and I'm wrong.  I don't know how to be anyone other myself......and when, please please tell me when I will stop being wrong?  And when will anyone care?

I know that God doesn't give you more than you handle (Is that Biblical? lol)....but honestly I'm just not sure that I can go or or deal with much more of this. I just feel like I'm at my end......and I'm alone.  Yes, it's my decision to let my friends go (and be alone) but I did that for their wellbeing.  (No one, here, is checking on me and that's good for them......now they can get along with their life.  If I'm alone, well, I'll have to deal with it.

I think I said this before but my family wants me to shut up and be quiet.  They don't want to hear anything from me, they don't want to work through the issues.  That's really hard for me.....but ok, I'm done, period.  Nothing means nothing.  It's over....they really should be happy.

They have spent a lot of time just two two of this and at least once they were talking about me.....basically putting me down and disagreeing with what I said.  This makes me feel that they are doing it all of the time....I don't trust the, and why should I?  It's truly them again me and I'm just leaft floundering out alone.....usually.

What Meag wants, what she does....seems to be 'ok' because not only with no one stuick up for me (I'm the one that speaks and confronts) butbehind my back are words that show to them that I'm 'wrong'

Well, I guess I've rattle on and on enough.  It's almost my bedtime.....and yes it's not only 6:30.....oh well.  Thank you for listening.  I'm not just beaten down, lately I'm completely broken and lost.  :(

Is is really New Years Eve?

I know the calendar says that it is December 31....at 7:45pm, no less....but yet it does not feel like New Years Eve to me.  Almost the entire year of 2012 was a wash for me....and in some ways I am so looking forward to waking up tomorrow and knowing that I have a new start, and yet in other ways I am having a really hard time holding on to any hope that anything will be different.  It's, again, a struggle within myself.  Ok, I'm really getting tired of these struggles...help, God.

There's nothing going on at this house tonight.  It's doubtful that I even make it up to midnight....HA, actually I probably won't make it up until 10~ surely that's the New Years somewhere, right?  Gracie cleaned her room (shock, I know), we had an easy frozen meal for supper (it was yummy) and now we are watching the Dick Clark special....and playing on the computer.  I was hoping to crochet but since I'm losing what little steam that I had, I'm thinking that might wait until tomorrow.  For now I'm wondering what kind of snack I'm going to have and thinking about reading some more in the book I'm reading.  Wow, I'm exciting, aren't I?  Meag is out with friends, Gracie says she is staying up ALL night (we shall see).

I have made a list of things I want to organize and do tomorrow to start off my New Year 'right'.  Hopefully at least some of them will stick throughout the year.  I have a long road ahead of me in my quest in life....I'm unsure of so many things, feeling so alone but I know I'm on a journey that I must take and complete for whatever reason.

I wish you all a wonderful night with family and/or friends.  I wish you all a terrifically blessed 2013.  I wish you all to know my love for you.

Here's to the new year head of us....may 2013 be all that we want and wish for and more....and may it all be for God's glory.

hiding, withdrawal and quiet

When things happen, everyone proessess and deals with them differently, I am no different.  It doesn't mean that their way is right or wrong, nor does it mean that my way is right or wrong.  It is just how we make it through things.

Most of you know that I grew up in an abusive family, with many things happening.  One the biggest is my being put down all the time....I didn't do anything right, or I didn't do it 'good enough', or I simply didn't do anything.  I could go on;  I was very fearful and there was no way that I could speak up or share my feelings.  In my house you simply kept your mouth shut and dealt with it.  You would be amazed.

One thing I've learned is never put another person, and most especially a child, down...not ever.  There is a saying about how for every one so many hundreds of negative things you say to them, it take one good one to counteract that.

Unfortunately for me the abuse continued in various way throught my life.  Abuse, no matter who does it or causes it, is a form of bullying, plain and simple.  Words are so powerful that good ones (which are rare) are heartwarming while those that are abusive and bullying stay with you your entire life....(doing more damage that you can imagine). 

Many of you have followed me on Facebook (and actually I'm not sure anyone reads this....if not then I'll just consider it a journal of sorts lol).  However if you have followed me you will know at least some of the nightmare that's been my life over the past few months.

It's an extreme war inside me......the part that says I'm not a horrible, nasty person and that I love other people and care and try to show it and would do anything for anyone......and the second part that says that because of a year long dialog from people about what a terrible person I am and then the one person closest to me saying so many terrible things, then surely I must be all that they/he says.  

So many know that just like my childhood, my life is absolutely awful (at recently).  I never thought I'd go through any of this...not with Dave, nor with Meag......and yet.....here I am.  Floundered, unsure, confused.....  And not only that, but it's become them against me....something I just can not fight.

I know many of you think that I've made some drastic changes.....and maybe I have.  But....my entire life (and I mean my entire life and I'm 48) I've ben told what I've done wrong and that I'm not good enough and that nothing is do is right or good enough.  Pretty soon, it doesn't matter what your heart says....those words just ring over and over in your mind until you think (esp on WHO is saying them) that surely, surely they must be true.

Just a short time ago, my husband told me how awful I and how (it seems) that everything I do is wrong.  He refused (more than once) to give me examples so we could talk about what I've done or so I could try to change and make him happy.  Really that blows my mind, but what can I do?  I doubt that there is many of you that could hear the things that I've heard from your spouse recently and NOT let it bother you  For me, for my low-esteem, for how I feel....all that's he's said has only made things WAY worse for me.  I just don't know what I can do.  I can't 'fix' something that I don't know about itl

One of the huge things that he told me is that I am not a good friend....actually how he put it was worse than that.  He told me that I've run off every friend I've had, including some friends of 'ours' (although I'm at such a complete loss beacause I can't recall any couple friends we've had), that he doesn't have any friends beacause of me and everyting to do with friends (or lack of) is my fault (he won't tell me what friends of 'ours' I ran off or give examples, so honestly I'm at a complete loss).  Of course I want to thumb my nose at him and forget what he said but honestly it's just 'there' with me...it's not going anywhere and thoe voices in me are saying he knows me best and he just has to be right.  Right now my self-esteem in non-existent (for several reasons) and I just know it must all be me.  Further those voices, of course, say that my friends would absolutely stand by me and say he's wrong and I'm a good person.....but they are my friends.  Of course they aren't going to agree with him.  But yet I know they won't tell the 'truth' or what they really think, so I just need to let them go so they can do better than me.

It's been an absolutely horrific year....my stalker and all she had to say, Meag, Dave, etc.  I am really praying that 2013 will be better.

As for my drastic measures....because I'm told over and over and truly believe it after being told so much what a terrible friend that I am.......I am just backing up, I am withdrawing, I am just giving up.  If I did things differently and heard from you you all would say all of the 'good' things to me and I just don't believe them right, if ever.  I have to make the move FOR you.

I would think that most of my friends know a couple of things about me.....one that I am a very outspoken person online.  Not outgoing in person at all.....but yet online don't mind saying what I think and feel, etc.  You would also know that my beloved friends are my life and I love every single one of you so so much.  I have no idea how I would have made it to this point with out you all.  I just feel like you all should move on and make/spend times with those  friends are good and kind and a good person, which evidently I am not.  I know you won't do it, so I will.

I have temporarily deleted my Facebook, I changed my cell phone number and I set my email so it doesn't pull in for me to see (and making it send an automated notice that  I'm offline.  It doesn't matter at all what it means to me or how horrible this will be for me since my friends are everything, exp since I have no one else to talk to....but I believe it will be the best thing for you.  You girls need a good, kind, loyal friend without the baggage I have.

Remember that I told you all yesterday how very nuch that I love you.  I'm doing all of this because I do love you.  Don't forget that, ok.  I'm giving it all up because it is what is best for you and everyone

And that's it for/from me.  I love you all so much and will miss you more than you know.  If I only know what do do fo 'fix' me I would....but I honestly have no idea.  Perhaps one day I will be able to be the kind of friend you deserve. xoo

Magic, Day 3, 11/26/12

Mmm, today Magic has brought Gracie a yummy treat....kind of a thank you for being good yesterday! :-)  She was holding the treat for Gracie, while she was snuggling among the snowmen on the stairs, and she passed on the message through Mom that it was for being good.  One happy Gracie....and I think the candy just might have went to school lol.

Magic, Day 2, 11/25/12

This morning Gracie discovered that Magic had moved into a different room.....and left her a message!  She found her in the kitchen sitting on the chalkboard, holding a piece of chalk.  Magic reminded Gracie that there is only one month until Christmas.