Is is really New Years Eve?

I know the calendar says that it is December 31....at 7:45pm, no less....but yet it does not feel like New Years Eve to me.  Almost the entire year of 2012 was a wash for me....and in some ways I am so looking forward to waking up tomorrow and knowing that I have a new start, and yet in other ways I am having a really hard time holding on to any hope that anything will be different.  It's, again, a struggle within myself.  Ok, I'm really getting tired of these struggles...help, God.

There's nothing going on at this house tonight.  It's doubtful that I even make it up to midnight....HA, actually I probably won't make it up until 10~ surely that's the New Years somewhere, right?  Gracie cleaned her room (shock, I know), we had an easy frozen meal for supper (it was yummy) and now we are watching the Dick Clark special....and playing on the computer.  I was hoping to crochet but since I'm losing what little steam that I had, I'm thinking that might wait until tomorrow.  For now I'm wondering what kind of snack I'm going to have and thinking about reading some more in the book I'm reading.  Wow, I'm exciting, aren't I?  Meag is out with friends, Gracie says she is staying up ALL night (we shall see).

I have made a list of things I want to organize and do tomorrow to start off my New Year 'right'.  Hopefully at least some of them will stick throughout the year.  I have a long road ahead of me in my quest in life....I'm unsure of so many things, feeling so alone but I know I'm on a journey that I must take and complete for whatever reason.

I wish you all a wonderful night with family and/or friends.  I wish you all a terrifically blessed 2013.  I wish you all to know my love for you.

Here's to the new year head of us....may 2013 be all that we want and wish for and more....and may it all be for God's glory.

hiding, withdrawal and quiet

When things happen, everyone proessess and deals with them differently, I am no different.  It doesn't mean that their way is right or wrong, nor does it mean that my way is right or wrong.  It is just how we make it through things.

Most of you know that I grew up in an abusive family, with many things happening.  One the biggest is my being put down all the time....I didn't do anything right, or I didn't do it 'good enough', or I simply didn't do anything.  I could go on;  I was very fearful and there was no way that I could speak up or share my feelings.  In my house you simply kept your mouth shut and dealt with it.  You would be amazed.

One thing I've learned is never put another person, and most especially a child, down...not ever.  There is a saying about how for every one so many hundreds of negative things you say to them, it take one good one to counteract that.

Unfortunately for me the abuse continued in various way throught my life.  Abuse, no matter who does it or causes it, is a form of bullying, plain and simple.  Words are so powerful that good ones (which are rare) are heartwarming while those that are abusive and bullying stay with you your entire life....(doing more damage that you can imagine). 

Many of you have followed me on Facebook (and actually I'm not sure anyone reads this....if not then I'll just consider it a journal of sorts lol).  However if you have followed me you will know at least some of the nightmare that's been my life over the past few months.

It's an extreme war inside me......the part that says I'm not a horrible, nasty person and that I love other people and care and try to show it and would do anything for anyone......and the second part that says that because of a year long dialog from people about what a terrible person I am and then the one person closest to me saying so many terrible things, then surely I must be all that they/he says.  

So many know that just like my childhood, my life is absolutely awful (at recently).  I never thought I'd go through any of this...not with Dave, nor with Meag......and yet.....here I am.  Floundered, unsure, confused.....  And not only that, but it's become them against me....something I just can not fight.

I know many of you think that I've made some drastic changes.....and maybe I have.  But....my entire life (and I mean my entire life and I'm 48) I've ben told what I've done wrong and that I'm not good enough and that nothing is do is right or good enough.  Pretty soon, it doesn't matter what your heart says....those words just ring over and over in your mind until you think (esp on WHO is saying them) that surely, surely they must be true.

Just a short time ago, my husband told me how awful I and how (it seems) that everything I do is wrong.  He refused (more than once) to give me examples so we could talk about what I've done or so I could try to change and make him happy.  Really that blows my mind, but what can I do?  I doubt that there is many of you that could hear the things that I've heard from your spouse recently and NOT let it bother you  For me, for my low-esteem, for how I feel....all that's he's said has only made things WAY worse for me.  I just don't know what I can do.  I can't 'fix' something that I don't know about itl

One of the huge things that he told me is that I am not a good friend....actually how he put it was worse than that.  He told me that I've run off every friend I've had, including some friends of 'ours' (although I'm at such a complete loss beacause I can't recall any couple friends we've had), that he doesn't have any friends beacause of me and everyting to do with friends (or lack of) is my fault (he won't tell me what friends of 'ours' I ran off or give examples, so honestly I'm at a complete loss).  Of course I want to thumb my nose at him and forget what he said but honestly it's just 'there' with me...it's not going anywhere and thoe voices in me are saying he knows me best and he just has to be right.  Right now my self-esteem in non-existent (for several reasons) and I just know it must all be me.  Further those voices, of course, say that my friends would absolutely stand by me and say he's wrong and I'm a good person.....but they are my friends.  Of course they aren't going to agree with him.  But yet I know they won't tell the 'truth' or what they really think, so I just need to let them go so they can do better than me.

It's been an absolutely horrific year....my stalker and all she had to say, Meag, Dave, etc.  I am really praying that 2013 will be better.

As for my drastic measures....because I'm told over and over and truly believe it after being told so much what a terrible friend that I am.......I am just backing up, I am withdrawing, I am just giving up.  If I did things differently and heard from you you all would say all of the 'good' things to me and I just don't believe them right, if ever.  I have to make the move FOR you.

I would think that most of my friends know a couple of things about me.....one that I am a very outspoken person online.  Not outgoing in person at all.....but yet online don't mind saying what I think and feel, etc.  You would also know that my beloved friends are my life and I love every single one of you so so much.  I have no idea how I would have made it to this point with out you all.  I just feel like you all should move on and make/spend times with those  friends are good and kind and a good person, which evidently I am not.  I know you won't do it, so I will.

I have temporarily deleted my Facebook, I changed my cell phone number and I set my email so it doesn't pull in for me to see (and making it send an automated notice that  I'm offline.  It doesn't matter at all what it means to me or how horrible this will be for me since my friends are everything, exp since I have no one else to talk to....but I believe it will be the best thing for you.  You girls need a good, kind, loyal friend without the baggage I have.

Remember that I told you all yesterday how very nuch that I love you.  I'm doing all of this because I do love you.  Don't forget that, ok.  I'm giving it all up because it is what is best for you and everyone

And that's it for/from me.  I love you all so much and will miss you more than you know.  If I only know what do do fo 'fix' me I would....but I honestly have no idea.  Perhaps one day I will be able to be the kind of friend you deserve. xoo

Magic, Day 3, 11/26/12

Mmm, today Magic has brought Gracie a yummy treat....kind of a thank you for being good yesterday! :-)  She was holding the treat for Gracie, while she was snuggling among the snowmen on the stairs, and she passed on the message through Mom that it was for being good.  One happy Gracie....and I think the candy just might have went to school lol.

Magic, Day 2, 11/25/12

This morning Gracie discovered that Magic had moved into a different room.....and left her a message!  She found her in the kitchen sitting on the chalkboard, holding a piece of chalk.  Magic reminded Gracie that there is only one month until Christmas.

Magic, Day 1, 11/24/12

No sleeping in this morning for this Mom!  Gracie woke up and was SO excited to go see where her Elf had moved to and what she was doing that Mom just had to get up too and see, lol.

She was absolutely delighted to find Magic here:

Magic 'stole' 2 of our ornaments off of the tree, got some ribbon and was doing gymnastic moves from the fireplace! :-)  Well done Miss Elf, well done!!

Meet Magic the Elf

Introducing the newest member of our family (at least during the Christmas season)....Magic the Elf....

Gracie has been asking for an Elf on the Shelf for several years.  One of her teachers did this a couple of years ago and she loved it.    Elf on the Shelf was a new thing for me a few years ago.  This year we decided to welcome her (yes, our Elf is a girl) into our family and start this new tradition.

As per our instructions in the storybook (which we all sat down together and read), Gracie chose the first spot to put Magic in the first night.  She chose the newly set up Christmas tree.

I, for one, am really looking forward to Magic's adventures this Christmas season!

In the news

Many times there are lots of 'news stories' that come through my Facebook newsfeed that border on the outlandish and if it's from a website I don't know or haven't heard of I tend to ignore it.  However recently one popped up and after reading the unbelievable headline, I saw it was from CNN....ok, good enough for me.

Did you see it?  "Secret revealed: Ohio woman unknowingly married father".  This is definitely a story I would have completely ignored had it not been posted on CNN.  So I had to go read it for myself.  If you missed the story, go read it here.

How in the world does this happen?!  For one, this is a reason that we are so open and honest with Gracie about her being adopted.  Because keeping secrets can be destroying.  It can hurt lives.  Look at what it did to this lady.  Can you even begin to imagine??  Marrying your father?  Now....if that isn't something to cause you to be depressed and have all kinds of illnesses like this poor woman, nothing is!

While the things I've dealt with from others and their opinions are probably nothing compared to what this lady has, I feel like I can relate somewhat.  One thing she said stands out:  "I can't do anything about what they think. I just know what I think. God is always mighty, and he teaches you to tell the truth no matter what."

See, this lady came forth with the truth...something that most people would want to hide and not tell a soul....in order to try to help someone else who might be going through or have gone through it.  Sure it's on a different level and about something so much 'more' than anything I could ever say.....but this has always been my feelings too.....share, share, share so others know they are not alone and that someone else understands.

She did an amazing thing that took so much guts if you ask me and yet when asked about response to her story she said it has been mixed....more positive than negative.  But that means the negative is there.  People have said her secrets should remain secret.  Really?  And who are they to decide that?  And who are they to think it's ok to say that?  Hasn't she been through enough?

I wonder if people told this brave woman that she needed help.  Did they tell her she's just looking for pity by sharing her story?  Did they tell her she needed to get over it?  I really hope not but I've learned that life....and people....are not kind and they sure aren't fair.

I pray for this sweet woman and I thank God for her faith that shows through in this article.  I can't imagine have gone through what she has and being able to talk about it to the world.....and then getting those less than kind comments spoken back.  She deserves love and compassion and understanding.  I hope she has lots of those kinds of people in her life.....those that hold her up instead of pull her down.