Is is really New Years Eve?

I know the calendar says that it is December 31....at 7:45pm, no less....but yet it does not feel like New Years Eve to me.  Almost the entire year of 2012 was a wash for me....and in some ways I am so looking forward to waking up tomorrow and knowing that I have a new start, and yet in other ways I am having a really hard time holding on to any hope that anything will be different.  It's, again, a struggle within myself.  Ok, I'm really getting tired of these struggles...help, God.

There's nothing going on at this house tonight.  It's doubtful that I even make it up to midnight....HA, actually I probably won't make it up until 10~ surely that's the New Years somewhere, right?  Gracie cleaned her room (shock, I know), we had an easy frozen meal for supper (it was yummy) and now we are watching the Dick Clark special....and playing on the computer.  I was hoping to crochet but since I'm losing what little steam that I had, I'm thinking that might wait until tomorrow.  For now I'm wondering what kind of snack I'm going to have and thinking about reading some more in the book I'm reading.  Wow, I'm exciting, aren't I?  Meag is out with friends, Gracie says she is staying up ALL night (we shall see).

I have made a list of things I want to organize and do tomorrow to start off my New Year 'right'.  Hopefully at least some of them will stick throughout the year.  I have a long road ahead of me in my quest in life....I'm unsure of so many things, feeling so alone but I know I'm on a journey that I must take and complete for whatever reason.

I wish you all a wonderful night with family and/or friends.  I wish you all a terrifically blessed 2013.  I wish you all to know my love for you.

Here's to the new year head of us....may 2013 be all that we want and wish for and more....and may it all be for God's glory.

hiding, withdrawal and quiet

When things happen, everyone proessess and deals with them differently, I am no different.  It doesn't mean that their way is right or wrong, nor does it mean that my way is right or wrong.  It is just how we make it through things.

Most of you know that I grew up in an abusive family, with many things happening.  One the biggest is my being put down all the time....I didn't do anything right, or I didn't do it 'good enough', or I simply didn't do anything.  I could go on;  I was very fearful and there was no way that I could speak up or share my feelings.  In my house you simply kept your mouth shut and dealt with it.  You would be amazed.

One thing I've learned is never put another person, and most especially a child, down...not ever.  There is a saying about how for every one so many hundreds of negative things you say to them, it take one good one to counteract that.

Unfortunately for me the abuse continued in various way throught my life.  Abuse, no matter who does it or causes it, is a form of bullying, plain and simple.  Words are so powerful that good ones (which are rare) are heartwarming while those that are abusive and bullying stay with you your entire life....(doing more damage that you can imagine). 

Many of you have followed me on Facebook (and actually I'm not sure anyone reads this....if not then I'll just consider it a journal of sorts lol).  However if you have followed me you will know at least some of the nightmare that's been my life over the past few months.

It's an extreme war inside me......the part that says I'm not a horrible, nasty person and that I love other people and care and try to show it and would do anything for anyone......and the second part that says that because of a year long dialog from people about what a terrible person I am and then the one person closest to me saying so many terrible things, then surely I must be all that they/he says.  

So many know that just like my childhood, my life is absolutely awful (at recently).  I never thought I'd go through any of this...not with Dave, nor with Meag......and yet.....here I am.  Floundered, unsure, confused.....  And not only that, but it's become them against me....something I just can not fight.

I know many of you think that I've made some drastic changes.....and maybe I have.  But....my entire life (and I mean my entire life and I'm 48) I've ben told what I've done wrong and that I'm not good enough and that nothing is do is right or good enough.  Pretty soon, it doesn't matter what your heart says....those words just ring over and over in your mind until you think (esp on WHO is saying them) that surely, surely they must be true.

Just a short time ago, my husband told me how awful I and how (it seems) that everything I do is wrong.  He refused (more than once) to give me examples so we could talk about what I've done or so I could try to change and make him happy.  Really that blows my mind, but what can I do?  I doubt that there is many of you that could hear the things that I've heard from your spouse recently and NOT let it bother you  For me, for my low-esteem, for how I feel....all that's he's said has only made things WAY worse for me.  I just don't know what I can do.  I can't 'fix' something that I don't know about itl

One of the huge things that he told me is that I am not a good friend....actually how he put it was worse than that.  He told me that I've run off every friend I've had, including some friends of 'ours' (although I'm at such a complete loss beacause I can't recall any couple friends we've had), that he doesn't have any friends beacause of me and everyting to do with friends (or lack of) is my fault (he won't tell me what friends of 'ours' I ran off or give examples, so honestly I'm at a complete loss).  Of course I want to thumb my nose at him and forget what he said but honestly it's just 'there' with me...it's not going anywhere and thoe voices in me are saying he knows me best and he just has to be right.  Right now my self-esteem in non-existent (for several reasons) and I just know it must all be me.  Further those voices, of course, say that my friends would absolutely stand by me and say he's wrong and I'm a good person.....but they are my friends.  Of course they aren't going to agree with him.  But yet I know they won't tell the 'truth' or what they really think, so I just need to let them go so they can do better than me.

It's been an absolutely horrific year....my stalker and all she had to say, Meag, Dave, etc.  I am really praying that 2013 will be better.

As for my drastic measures....because I'm told over and over and truly believe it after being told so much what a terrible friend that I am.......I am just backing up, I am withdrawing, I am just giving up.  If I did things differently and heard from you you all would say all of the 'good' things to me and I just don't believe them right, if ever.  I have to make the move FOR you.

I would think that most of my friends know a couple of things about me.....one that I am a very outspoken person online.  Not outgoing in person at all.....but yet online don't mind saying what I think and feel, etc.  You would also know that my beloved friends are my life and I love every single one of you so so much.  I have no idea how I would have made it to this point with out you all.  I just feel like you all should move on and make/spend times with those  friends are good and kind and a good person, which evidently I am not.  I know you won't do it, so I will.

I have temporarily deleted my Facebook, I changed my cell phone number and I set my email so it doesn't pull in for me to see (and making it send an automated notice that  I'm offline.  It doesn't matter at all what it means to me or how horrible this will be for me since my friends are everything, exp since I have no one else to talk to....but I believe it will be the best thing for you.  You girls need a good, kind, loyal friend without the baggage I have.

Remember that I told you all yesterday how very nuch that I love you.  I'm doing all of this because I do love you.  Don't forget that, ok.  I'm giving it all up because it is what is best for you and everyone

And that's it for/from me.  I love you all so much and will miss you more than you know.  If I only know what do do fo 'fix' me I would....but I honestly have no idea.  Perhaps one day I will be able to be the kind of friend you deserve. xoo