I'm.....BACK, grin

Hello world!  I have been missing from the blogging world for most if not all of 2013.  That wasn't my intention....it just happened.  But it's high on my list to get back into blogging....even if I'm the only one reading my ramblings, grin.

On my mind today....posting personal things on a place like your Facebook.

Most people who know me know that I'm extremely open....pretty shy in person, but yet open and honest and blunt online.  It's a place I feel like I can just be myself.  I've said this a million times but one reason that I'm so so vocal about my feelings, things I've gone through/are going through, etc, is because by doing that it is the only way that I can show others that there is someone else out there that understands what they might be going through, someone that's just an ordinary person that they can talk to/share with.  I don't see anything wrong with it.  If anyone doesn't want to read the things I write...they can ignore it, they can hide my site, they can unfriend me, etc.  It won't upset me.  These things are both my right and theirs.

Yesterday I was 'playing' on Facebook and read someone's status.  It was all about people posting personal things.  While they did say it was everyone's right, it was clear and stated that they disagreed and felt that people who did this was wrong.  It really made me think a lot.  WHY?  Why is it wrong for people to post their open, honest feelings and share the real truths of their life?  Who is it that decides that those that do that is 'wrong' and that people shouldn't?  Why is it ok for people to constantly make comments about people who share openly?  Why can't people just ignore what they don't like, don't agree with, don't want to read?  And why is it that people who simply share so honestly about life are blamed for being negative....instead of just realistic about what's going on around them?

Is it because that sort of open honesty makes them feel uncomfortable?  Do they wish that they could be as free with their words?  Or is it something else?  What makes people feel like they have to post things against people instead of just letting them be themselves, live their life.

Yesterday I was reminded again of why I'm so open.  By my sharing my life with people, it allowed something to open up about some things to me.  Had I not done that first they probably would have never realized that I not only understand but that I am someone they can talk to.  THAT is why I do it.

I am me....it's all I will ever be.  And you know what?  I'm ok with that.  I don't understand why people have to look down to those that are like I am (and I know it's rare to be so open)....but I will continue to share, continue to ask for prayer and continue to be there for those that now know someone else understands.  I believe this is my calling.  I hope you like me.  Honestly I hope lots read what I write.  But if you don't want to....it's ok!

From Emma's Heart......5/31/13

ah, the yarn!

Finally a day when I felt like picking up the yarn.  And so far here is what i have so far:

And after so long of not having the energy or will to even look at any yarn, it's sure been nice to have it in my hands again today! :-)

Earlier today I had a routine Dr's appt.  Some time back I had to switch primary providers because the one I had quit her private practice.  I was so upset to have to change and had very little selection to choose from.  On my first visit I really didn't feel like things went very well as I didn't feel like I really connected with her.  That is important to me, to connect with my doctor,  because of my health issues.  I've only seen her a couple of times since and it's gone 'ok' but I've remained unsure.  So I was a bit worried about today's appointment.  But I was very pleasantly surprised that things seemed to go really well (in my eyes).  That's a good thing, grin.

After the appointment I treated myself to a chicken biscuit at Jack In The Box.  I wanted one from McD's but it was after their breakfast time so JITB it was for today.  It was good, but I think I like McD's better.  It's my new obsession!  I ran an errand....got my coke and headed home.

I got some laundry done.....although there is still way more to do, sigh.....it's just never ending lol.  Got the dishes caught up finally.  Yay!

It's been a productive day...I like that!

alone, again

You know, I really don't know how to go this alone......and without my friends that is what I am: alone.  And yet despite wanting and needing this so much I don't know how to have a relationship with them.  I feel like I will do them wrong and I will hurt them......and that is the very last thing that I want to do, sigh.

Seems like no matter what I do, or what I say, that is is just not 'right'.....it's not enough.  You know, it's really hard to live up to that.  I'm one person, I'm me....nothing less and nothing more, period.    I think it's virtually impossible to ignore and not care about what a spouse says to and about you......they are the one that should know you the best, they should be there regardless, etc.  And if they say it, what hope is it for anyone else to think differently.

I'll admit it....I really, really miss my friends.  SO much.  They are the ones that would listen to me and would love me no matter what.  That just isn't happening here.  If I don't do anything 'just right' (which is never) that I'm judged and found guilty.....I'm wrong.  I'm told that I'm the one (again) that's wrong here, as in every thing.  I treat my friends badly, etc.  Today I was told that I lose my frriend because I go on an don about things (meaning issues between us, etc).  I'm going to be honest and I gues that I am so completely dilusional buut I have NO idea what he's talking about.....or who.  I know he considers this an issue between us because he says so.....but I spend so much time over things because he wil never ever work on the, he won't try to figure them out, etc.  He simply wants to ignore it all.  And right or wrong, since he does when I have his attention I try so hard to talk it all over because i it's the only time I feel like I can.

One thing heavy on my heart today/tonight....ok, there is a lot.....but one I've dealt with this my entire life.  Never good enough, never done enough and what I do do isn't right.  Second.  now my daughter is brought into it and she hates me.  In fact she hates me so much.  You have no idea.  We had words last night.....words that of course did no good.  I want my husband and the realationship we had, I want me daughter.......but I'm such a horrible person and do everythign wrong.  Dang.

What ever happened to loving someone (esp a spouse or 'other half') unconditionally?  To me, that means that you love them whether you agree with they or not.....AND.....if you don't you let it go and show them love always.  You might wnat to 'help' them but you don't put them down, throw things in their face, etc.  You just simply love them....faults and all.  You don't make negative comments and you never give them this look that clearly shows them how displeased that you are about whatever you said or did.

Once you have spoken the words, there is no way to take them back......it just can not happen.  You can apologize but honestly that only goes so far when spoken in the 'heat of the moment'.  Does that makes sense?  Sometimes you can make it up to them by your actions, by making them know by what you do that you are sorry, won't do it again and wish you didn't do it to begin with.  But if you don't put forth the effort to tryty then they damage done by the words is even worse.  And take someone that has been abused by words their entire life and your words have just added to it, your words have further worked to destroy them.  Will they even recover?  Sometimes they are saying to their selves.....why bother (to recover) and who cares.....because they don't feel like anyone cares at all.  Yes, that's me.

I am stranded in a position that I can't get rid of.  I have 3 close family members.....one is very young and really doesn't factor into this.  But the other two do.  And both of have specifically told me that they don't want to hear me.....they don't want to work things out, they don't want to talk, the.y don't want me to talk.  As for the hubby.....what a situation I'm in.....you see if I speak up, he's upset and zones out, havinng barely anything to do with me.....BUT if I'm quiet, never bring anything up that needs to be talked about, never try to work through things, he's upset.....AND he thinks that there is nothing wrong between us, that things are ok and better and nothig needs worked on.  Talk about a catch 22 situation.  What am I supposed to do?  I believe in a normal relationship that you should be able to tak about things, work them through, etc.....but he doesn't.

There are two issues here (at least ones).....one that involves Meag (and I've been included from) and one between hubby and I.  Today I first asked him how we would handle these very things if they popped up with Meag....and was told we would do something about it.....and yet with Meat we won't.    I also asked him what his parents would do and how they would handle all of this (he looks up to them so much) and was told that pretty much that they wiould do as we would about Meag.....but yet with Meag we won't.  I'm stuck, I'm stranded.....I have no family, no friends, no where to go and no money........and no love.

You know that alll I want is what most people want......someone that loves them and loves them unconditionally, someone that is there for them, someone that stand by them and even speaks up for them....and I mean showing this, actions, not words that many times can just be speaken and have no or very little meaning.  You see......none of this is happening here.  In fact, it is quiet the opposite.  No matter what I say or do I'm wrong, I do it wrong.No one stands up beside me or speaks up in my defense.  No one loves me unconditionally.  Do you know how the hurts?  God, it really hurts, esp who is comes from.  I want more.....and I don't think that is too much to ask at all.  I think that that is what most people would want.  But I can't say so or speak up....because if I do, I'm put down and I'm wrong.  I don't know how to be anyone other myself......and when, please please tell me when I will stop being wrong?  And when will anyone care?

I know that God doesn't give you more than you handle (Is that Biblical? lol)....but honestly I'm just not sure that I can go or or deal with much more of this. I just feel like I'm at my end......and I'm alone.  Yes, it's my decision to let my friends go (and be alone) but I did that for their wellbeing.  (No one, here, is checking on me and that's good for them......now they can get along with their life.  If I'm alone, well, I'll have to deal with it.

I think I said this before but my family wants me to shut up and be quiet.  They don't want to hear anything from me, they don't want to work through the issues.  That's really hard for me.....but ok, I'm done, period.  Nothing means nothing.  It's over....they really should be happy.

They have spent a lot of time just two two of this and at least once they were talking about me.....basically putting me down and disagreeing with what I said.  This makes me feel that they are doing it all of the time....I don't trust the, and why should I?  It's truly them again me and I'm just leaft floundering out alone.....usually.

What Meag wants, what she does....seems to be 'ok' because not only with no one stuick up for me (I'm the one that speaks and confronts) butbehind my back are words that show to them that I'm 'wrong'

Well, I guess I've rattle on and on enough.  It's almost my bedtime.....and yes it's not only 6:30.....oh well.  Thank you for listening.  I'm not just beaten down, lately I'm completely broken and lost.  :(