Sunday, January 6, 2013

alone, again

You know, I really don't know how to go this alone......and without my friends that is what I am: alone.  And yet despite wanting and needing this so much I don't know how to have a relationship with them.  I feel like I will do them wrong and I will hurt them......and that is the very last thing that I want to do, sigh.

Seems like no matter what I do, or what I say, that is is just not 'right''s not enough.  You know, it's really hard to live up to that.  I'm one person, I'm me....nothing less and nothing more, period.    I think it's virtually impossible to ignore and not care about what a spouse says to and about you......they are the one that should know you the best, they should be there regardless, etc.  And if they say it, what hope is it for anyone else to think differently.

I'll admit it....I really, really miss my friends.  SO much.  They are the ones that would listen to me and would love me no matter what.  That just isn't happening here.  If I don't do anything 'just right' (which is never) that I'm judged and found guilty.....I'm wrong.  I'm told that I'm the one (again) that's wrong here, as in every thing.  I treat my friends badly, etc.  Today I was told that I lose my frriend because I go on an don about things (meaning issues between us, etc).  I'm going to be honest and I gues that I am so completely dilusional buut I have NO idea what he's talking about.....or who.  I know he considers this an issue between us because he says so.....but I spend so much time over things because he wil never ever work on the, he won't try to figure them out, etc.  He simply wants to ignore it all.  And right or wrong, since he does when I have his attention I try so hard to talk it all over because i it's the only time I feel like I can.

One thing heavy on my heart today/tonight....ok, there is a lot.....but one I've dealt with this my entire life.  Never good enough, never done enough and what I do do isn't right.  Second.  now my daughter is brought into it and she hates me.  In fact she hates me so much.  You have no idea.  We had words last night.....words that of course did no good.  I want my husband and the realationship we had, I want me daughter.......but I'm such a horrible person and do everythign wrong.  Dang.

What ever happened to loving someone (esp a spouse or 'other half') unconditionally?  To me, that means that you love them whether you agree with they or not.....AND.....if you don't you let it go and show them love always.  You might wnat to 'help' them but you don't put them down, throw things in their face, etc.  You just simply love them....faults and all.  You don't make negative comments and you never give them this look that clearly shows them how displeased that you are about whatever you said or did.

Once you have spoken the words, there is no way to take them just can not happen.  You can apologize but honestly that only goes so far when spoken in the 'heat of the moment'.  Does that makes sense?  Sometimes you can make it up to them by your actions, by making them know by what you do that you are sorry, won't do it again and wish you didn't do it to begin with.  But if you don't put forth the effort to tryty then they damage done by the words is even worse.  And take someone that has been abused by words their entire life and your words have just added to it, your words have further worked to destroy them.  Will they even recover?  Sometimes they are saying to their selves.....why bother (to recover) and who cares.....because they don't feel like anyone cares at all.  Yes, that's me.

I am stranded in a position that I can't get rid of.  I have 3 close family is very young and really doesn't factor into this.  But the other two do.  And both of have specifically told me that they don't want to hear me.....they don't want to work things out, they don't want to talk, the.y don't want me to talk.  As for the hubby.....what a situation I'm see if I speak up, he's upset and zones out, havinng barely anything to do with me.....BUT if I'm quiet, never bring anything up that needs to be talked about, never try to work through things, he's upset.....AND he thinks that there is nothing wrong between us, that things are ok and better and nothig needs worked on.  Talk about a catch 22 situation.  What am I supposed to do?  I believe in a normal relationship that you should be able to tak about things, work them through, etc.....but he doesn't.

There are two issues here (at least ones) that involves Meag (and I've been included from) and one between hubby and I.  Today I first asked him how we would handle these very things if they popped up with Meag....and was told we would do something about it.....and yet with Meat we won't.    I also asked him what his parents would do and how they would handle all of this (he looks up to them so much) and was told that pretty much that they wiould do as we would about Meag.....but yet with Meag we won't.  I'm stuck, I'm stranded.....I have no family, no friends, no where to go and no money........and no love.

You know that alll I want is what most people want......someone that loves them and loves them unconditionally, someone that is there for them, someone that stand by them and even speaks up for them....and I mean showing this, actions, not words that many times can just be speaken and have no or very little meaning.  You see......none of this is happening here.  In fact, it is quiet the opposite.  No matter what I say or do I'm wrong, I do it wrong.No one stands up beside me or speaks up in my defense.  No one loves me unconditionally.  Do you know how the hurts?  God, it really hurts, esp who is comes from.  I want more.....and I don't think that is too much to ask at all.  I think that that is what most people would want.  But I can't say so or speak up....because if I do, I'm put down and I'm wrong.  I don't know how to be anyone other myself......and when, please please tell me when I will stop being wrong?  And when will anyone care?

I know that God doesn't give you more than you handle (Is that Biblical? lol)....but honestly I'm just not sure that I can go or or deal with much more of this. I just feel like I'm at my end......and I'm alone.  Yes, it's my decision to let my friends go (and be alone) but I did that for their wellbeing.  (No one, here, is checking on me and that's good for they can get along with their life.  If I'm alone, well, I'll have to deal with it.

I think I said this before but my family wants me to shut up and be quiet.  They don't want to hear anything from me, they don't want to work through the issues.  That's really hard for me.....but ok, I'm done, period.  Nothing means nothing.  It's over....they really should be happy.

They have spent a lot of time just two two of this and at least once they were talking about me.....basically putting me down and disagreeing with what I said.  This makes me feel that they are doing it all of the time....I don't trust the, and why should I?  It's truly them again me and I'm just leaft floundering out alone.....usually.

What Meag wants, what she does....seems to be 'ok' because not only with no one stuick up for me (I'm the one that speaks and confronts) butbehind my back are words that show to them that I'm 'wrong'

Well, I guess I've rattle on and on enough.  It's almost my bedtime.....and yes it's not only 6:30.....oh well.  Thank you for listening.  I'm not just beaten down, lately I'm completely broken and lost.  :(

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