I'm.....BACK, grin

Hello world!  I have been missing from the blogging world for most if not all of 2013.  That wasn't my intention....it just happened.  But it's high on my list to get back into blogging....even if I'm the only one reading my ramblings, grin.

On my mind today....posting personal things on a place like your Facebook.

Most people who know me know that I'm extremely open....pretty shy in person, but yet open and honest and blunt online.  It's a place I feel like I can just be myself.  I've said this a million times but one reason that I'm so so vocal about my feelings, things I've gone through/are going through, etc, is because by doing that it is the only way that I can show others that there is someone else out there that understands what they might be going through, someone that's just an ordinary person that they can talk to/share with.  I don't see anything wrong with it.  If anyone doesn't want to read the things I write...they can ignore it, they can hide my site, they can unfriend me, etc.  It won't upset me.  These things are both my right and theirs.

Yesterday I was 'playing' on Facebook and read someone's status.  It was all about people posting personal things.  While they did say it was everyone's right, it was clear and stated that they disagreed and felt that people who did this was wrong.  It really made me think a lot.  WHY?  Why is it wrong for people to post their open, honest feelings and share the real truths of their life?  Who is it that decides that those that do that is 'wrong' and that people shouldn't?  Why is it ok for people to constantly make comments about people who share openly?  Why can't people just ignore what they don't like, don't agree with, don't want to read?  And why is it that people who simply share so honestly about life are blamed for being negative....instead of just realistic about what's going on around them?

Is it because that sort of open honesty makes them feel uncomfortable?  Do they wish that they could be as free with their words?  Or is it something else?  What makes people feel like they have to post things against people instead of just letting them be themselves, live their life.

Yesterday I was reminded again of why I'm so open.  By my sharing my life with people, it allowed something to open up about some things to me.  Had I not done that first they probably would have never realized that I not only understand but that I am someone they can talk to.  THAT is why I do it.

I am me....it's all I will ever be.  And you know what?  I'm ok with that.  I don't understand why people have to look down to those that are like I am (and I know it's rare to be so open)....but I will continue to share, continue to ask for prayer and continue to be there for those that now know someone else understands.  I believe this is my calling.  I hope you like me.  Honestly I hope lots read what I write.  But if you don't want to....it's ok!

From Emma's Heart......5/31/13

ah, the yarn!

Finally a day when I felt like picking up the yarn.  And so far here is what i have so far:

And after so long of not having the energy or will to even look at any yarn, it's sure been nice to have it in my hands again today! :-)

Earlier today I had a routine Dr's appt.  Some time back I had to switch primary providers because the one I had quit her private practice.  I was so upset to have to change and had very little selection to choose from.  On my first visit I really didn't feel like things went very well as I didn't feel like I really connected with her.  That is important to me, to connect with my doctor,  because of my health issues.  I've only seen her a couple of times since and it's gone 'ok' but I've remained unsure.  So I was a bit worried about today's appointment.  But I was very pleasantly surprised that things seemed to go really well (in my eyes).  That's a good thing, grin.

After the appointment I treated myself to a chicken biscuit at Jack In The Box.  I wanted one from McD's but it was after their breakfast time so JITB it was for today.  It was good, but I think I like McD's better.  It's my new obsession!  I ran an errand....got my coke and headed home.

I got some laundry done.....although there is still way more to do, sigh.....it's just never ending lol.  Got the dishes caught up finally.  Yay!

It's been a productive day...I like that!

alone, again

You know, I really don't know how to go this alone......and without my friends that is what I am: alone.  And yet despite wanting and needing this so much I don't know how to have a relationship with them.  I feel like I will do them wrong and I will hurt them......and that is the very last thing that I want to do, sigh.

Seems like no matter what I do, or what I say, that is is just not 'right'.....it's not enough.  You know, it's really hard to live up to that.  I'm one person, I'm me....nothing less and nothing more, period.    I think it's virtually impossible to ignore and not care about what a spouse says to and about you......they are the one that should know you the best, they should be there regardless, etc.  And if they say it, what hope is it for anyone else to think differently.

I'll admit it....I really, really miss my friends.  SO much.  They are the ones that would listen to me and would love me no matter what.  That just isn't happening here.  If I don't do anything 'just right' (which is never) that I'm judged and found guilty.....I'm wrong.  I'm told that I'm the one (again) that's wrong here, as in every thing.  I treat my friends badly, etc.  Today I was told that I lose my frriend because I go on an don about things (meaning issues between us, etc).  I'm going to be honest and I gues that I am so completely dilusional buut I have NO idea what he's talking about.....or who.  I know he considers this an issue between us because he says so.....but I spend so much time over things because he wil never ever work on the, he won't try to figure them out, etc.  He simply wants to ignore it all.  And right or wrong, since he does when I have his attention I try so hard to talk it all over because i it's the only time I feel like I can.

One thing heavy on my heart today/tonight....ok, there is a lot.....but one I've dealt with this my entire life.  Never good enough, never done enough and what I do do isn't right.  Second.  now my daughter is brought into it and she hates me.  In fact she hates me so much.  You have no idea.  We had words last night.....words that of course did no good.  I want my husband and the realationship we had, I want me daughter.......but I'm such a horrible person and do everythign wrong.  Dang.

What ever happened to loving someone (esp a spouse or 'other half') unconditionally?  To me, that means that you love them whether you agree with they or not.....AND.....if you don't you let it go and show them love always.  You might wnat to 'help' them but you don't put them down, throw things in their face, etc.  You just simply love them....faults and all.  You don't make negative comments and you never give them this look that clearly shows them how displeased that you are about whatever you said or did.

Once you have spoken the words, there is no way to take them back......it just can not happen.  You can apologize but honestly that only goes so far when spoken in the 'heat of the moment'.  Does that makes sense?  Sometimes you can make it up to them by your actions, by making them know by what you do that you are sorry, won't do it again and wish you didn't do it to begin with.  But if you don't put forth the effort to tryty then they damage done by the words is even worse.  And take someone that has been abused by words their entire life and your words have just added to it, your words have further worked to destroy them.  Will they even recover?  Sometimes they are saying to their selves.....why bother (to recover) and who cares.....because they don't feel like anyone cares at all.  Yes, that's me.

I am stranded in a position that I can't get rid of.  I have 3 close family members.....one is very young and really doesn't factor into this.  But the other two do.  And both of have specifically told me that they don't want to hear me.....they don't want to work things out, they don't want to talk, the.y don't want me to talk.  As for the hubby.....what a situation I'm in.....you see if I speak up, he's upset and zones out, havinng barely anything to do with me.....BUT if I'm quiet, never bring anything up that needs to be talked about, never try to work through things, he's upset.....AND he thinks that there is nothing wrong between us, that things are ok and better and nothig needs worked on.  Talk about a catch 22 situation.  What am I supposed to do?  I believe in a normal relationship that you should be able to tak about things, work them through, etc.....but he doesn't.

There are two issues here (at least ones).....one that involves Meag (and I've been included from) and one between hubby and I.  Today I first asked him how we would handle these very things if they popped up with Meag....and was told we would do something about it.....and yet with Meat we won't.    I also asked him what his parents would do and how they would handle all of this (he looks up to them so much) and was told that pretty much that they wiould do as we would about Meag.....but yet with Meag we won't.  I'm stuck, I'm stranded.....I have no family, no friends, no where to go and no money........and no love.

You know that alll I want is what most people want......someone that loves them and loves them unconditionally, someone that is there for them, someone that stand by them and even speaks up for them....and I mean showing this, actions, not words that many times can just be speaken and have no or very little meaning.  You see......none of this is happening here.  In fact, it is quiet the opposite.  No matter what I say or do I'm wrong, I do it wrong.No one stands up beside me or speaks up in my defense.  No one loves me unconditionally.  Do you know how the hurts?  God, it really hurts, esp who is comes from.  I want more.....and I don't think that is too much to ask at all.  I think that that is what most people would want.  But I can't say so or speak up....because if I do, I'm put down and I'm wrong.  I don't know how to be anyone other myself......and when, please please tell me when I will stop being wrong?  And when will anyone care?

I know that God doesn't give you more than you handle (Is that Biblical? lol)....but honestly I'm just not sure that I can go or or deal with much more of this. I just feel like I'm at my end......and I'm alone.  Yes, it's my decision to let my friends go (and be alone) but I did that for their wellbeing.  (No one, here, is checking on me and that's good for them......now they can get along with their life.  If I'm alone, well, I'll have to deal with it.

I think I said this before but my family wants me to shut up and be quiet.  They don't want to hear anything from me, they don't want to work through the issues.  That's really hard for me.....but ok, I'm done, period.  Nothing means nothing.  It's over....they really should be happy.

They have spent a lot of time just two two of this and at least once they were talking about me.....basically putting me down and disagreeing with what I said.  This makes me feel that they are doing it all of the time....I don't trust the, and why should I?  It's truly them again me and I'm just leaft floundering out alone.....usually.

What Meag wants, what she does....seems to be 'ok' because not only with no one stuick up for me (I'm the one that speaks and confronts) butbehind my back are words that show to them that I'm 'wrong'

Well, I guess I've rattle on and on enough.  It's almost my bedtime.....and yes it's not only 6:30.....oh well.  Thank you for listening.  I'm not just beaten down, lately I'm completely broken and lost.  :(

Is is really New Years Eve?

I know the calendar says that it is December 31....at 7:45pm, no less....but yet it does not feel like New Years Eve to me.  Almost the entire year of 2012 was a wash for me....and in some ways I am so looking forward to waking up tomorrow and knowing that I have a new start, and yet in other ways I am having a really hard time holding on to any hope that anything will be different.  It's, again, a struggle within myself.  Ok, I'm really getting tired of these struggles...help, God.

There's nothing going on at this house tonight.  It's doubtful that I even make it up to midnight....HA, actually I probably won't make it up until 10~ surely that's the New Years somewhere, right?  Gracie cleaned her room (shock, I know), we had an easy frozen meal for supper (it was yummy) and now we are watching the Dick Clark special....and playing on the computer.  I was hoping to crochet but since I'm losing what little steam that I had, I'm thinking that might wait until tomorrow.  For now I'm wondering what kind of snack I'm going to have and thinking about reading some more in the book I'm reading.  Wow, I'm exciting, aren't I?  Meag is out with friends, Gracie says she is staying up ALL night (we shall see).

I have made a list of things I want to organize and do tomorrow to start off my New Year 'right'.  Hopefully at least some of them will stick throughout the year.  I have a long road ahead of me in my quest in life....I'm unsure of so many things, feeling so alone but I know I'm on a journey that I must take and complete for whatever reason.

I wish you all a wonderful night with family and/or friends.  I wish you all a terrifically blessed 2013.  I wish you all to know my love for you.

Here's to the new year head of us....may 2013 be all that we want and wish for and more....and may it all be for God's glory.

hiding, withdrawal and quiet

When things happen, everyone proessess and deals with them differently, I am no different.  It doesn't mean that their way is right or wrong, nor does it mean that my way is right or wrong.  It is just how we make it through things.

Most of you know that I grew up in an abusive family, with many things happening.  One the biggest is my being put down all the time....I didn't do anything right, or I didn't do it 'good enough', or I simply didn't do anything.  I could go on;  I was very fearful and there was no way that I could speak up or share my feelings.  In my house you simply kept your mouth shut and dealt with it.  You would be amazed.

One thing I've learned is never put another person, and most especially a child, down...not ever.  There is a saying about how for every one so many hundreds of negative things you say to them, it take one good one to counteract that.

Unfortunately for me the abuse continued in various way throught my life.  Abuse, no matter who does it or causes it, is a form of bullying, plain and simple.  Words are so powerful that good ones (which are rare) are heartwarming while those that are abusive and bullying stay with you your entire life....(doing more damage that you can imagine). 

Many of you have followed me on Facebook (and actually I'm not sure anyone reads this....if not then I'll just consider it a journal of sorts lol).  However if you have followed me you will know at least some of the nightmare that's been my life over the past few months.

It's an extreme war inside me......the part that says I'm not a horrible, nasty person and that I love other people and care and try to show it and would do anything for anyone......and the second part that says that because of a year long dialog from people about what a terrible person I am and then the one person closest to me saying so many terrible things, then surely I must be all that they/he says.  

So many know that just like my childhood, my life is absolutely awful (at recently).  I never thought I'd go through any of this...not with Dave, nor with Meag......and yet.....here I am.  Floundered, unsure, confused.....  And not only that, but it's become them against me....something I just can not fight.

I know many of you think that I've made some drastic changes.....and maybe I have.  But....my entire life (and I mean my entire life and I'm 48) I've ben told what I've done wrong and that I'm not good enough and that nothing is do is right or good enough.  Pretty soon, it doesn't matter what your heart says....those words just ring over and over in your mind until you think (esp on WHO is saying them) that surely, surely they must be true.

Just a short time ago, my husband told me how awful I and how (it seems) that everything I do is wrong.  He refused (more than once) to give me examples so we could talk about what I've done or so I could try to change and make him happy.  Really that blows my mind, but what can I do?  I doubt that there is many of you that could hear the things that I've heard from your spouse recently and NOT let it bother you  For me, for my low-esteem, for how I feel....all that's he's said has only made things WAY worse for me.  I just don't know what I can do.  I can't 'fix' something that I don't know about itl

One of the huge things that he told me is that I am not a good friend....actually how he put it was worse than that.  He told me that I've run off every friend I've had, including some friends of 'ours' (although I'm at such a complete loss beacause I can't recall any couple friends we've had), that he doesn't have any friends beacause of me and everyting to do with friends (or lack of) is my fault (he won't tell me what friends of 'ours' I ran off or give examples, so honestly I'm at a complete loss).  Of course I want to thumb my nose at him and forget what he said but honestly it's just 'there' with me...it's not going anywhere and thoe voices in me are saying he knows me best and he just has to be right.  Right now my self-esteem in non-existent (for several reasons) and I just know it must all be me.  Further those voices, of course, say that my friends would absolutely stand by me and say he's wrong and I'm a good person.....but they are my friends.  Of course they aren't going to agree with him.  But yet I know they won't tell the 'truth' or what they really think, so I just need to let them go so they can do better than me.

It's been an absolutely horrific year....my stalker and all she had to say, Meag, Dave, etc.  I am really praying that 2013 will be better.

As for my drastic measures....because I'm told over and over and truly believe it after being told so much what a terrible friend that I am.......I am just backing up, I am withdrawing, I am just giving up.  If I did things differently and heard from you you all would say all of the 'good' things to me and I just don't believe them right, if ever.  I have to make the move FOR you.

I would think that most of my friends know a couple of things about me.....one that I am a very outspoken person online.  Not outgoing in person at all.....but yet online don't mind saying what I think and feel, etc.  You would also know that my beloved friends are my life and I love every single one of you so so much.  I have no idea how I would have made it to this point with out you all.  I just feel like you all should move on and make/spend times with those  friends are good and kind and a good person, which evidently I am not.  I know you won't do it, so I will.

I have temporarily deleted my Facebook, I changed my cell phone number and I set my email so it doesn't pull in for me to see (and making it send an automated notice that  I'm offline.  It doesn't matter at all what it means to me or how horrible this will be for me since my friends are everything, exp since I have no one else to talk to....but I believe it will be the best thing for you.  You girls need a good, kind, loyal friend without the baggage I have.

Remember that I told you all yesterday how very nuch that I love you.  I'm doing all of this because I do love you.  Don't forget that, ok.  I'm giving it all up because it is what is best for you and everyone

And that's it for/from me.  I love you all so much and will miss you more than you know.  If I only know what do do fo 'fix' me I would....but I honestly have no idea.  Perhaps one day I will be able to be the kind of friend you deserve. xoo

Magic, Day 3, 11/26/12

Mmm, today Magic has brought Gracie a yummy treat....kind of a thank you for being good yesterday! :-)  She was holding the treat for Gracie, while she was snuggling among the snowmen on the stairs, and she passed on the message through Mom that it was for being good.  One happy Gracie....and I think the candy just might have went to school lol.

Magic, Day 2, 11/25/12

This morning Gracie discovered that Magic had moved into a different room.....and left her a message!  She found her in the kitchen sitting on the chalkboard, holding a piece of chalk.  Magic reminded Gracie that there is only one month until Christmas.

Magic, Day 1, 11/24/12

No sleeping in this morning for this Mom!  Gracie woke up and was SO excited to go see where her Elf had moved to and what she was doing that Mom just had to get up too and see, lol.

She was absolutely delighted to find Magic here:

Magic 'stole' 2 of our ornaments off of the tree, got some ribbon and was doing gymnastic moves from the fireplace! :-)  Well done Miss Elf, well done!!

Meet Magic the Elf

Introducing the newest member of our family (at least during the Christmas season)....Magic the Elf....

Gracie has been asking for an Elf on the Shelf for several years.  One of her teachers did this a couple of years ago and she loved it.    Elf on the Shelf was a new thing for me a few years ago.  This year we decided to welcome her (yes, our Elf is a girl) into our family and start this new tradition.

As per our instructions in the storybook (which we all sat down together and read), Gracie chose the first spot to put Magic in the first night.  She chose the newly set up Christmas tree.

I, for one, am really looking forward to Magic's adventures this Christmas season!

In the news

Many times there are lots of 'news stories' that come through my Facebook newsfeed that border on the outlandish and if it's from a website I don't know or haven't heard of I tend to ignore it.  However recently one popped up and after reading the unbelievable headline, I saw it was from CNN....ok, good enough for me.

Did you see it?  "Secret revealed: Ohio woman unknowingly married father".  This is definitely a story I would have completely ignored had it not been posted on CNN.  So I had to go read it for myself.  If you missed the story, go read it here.

How in the world does this happen?!  For one, this is a reason that we are so open and honest with Gracie about her being adopted.  Because keeping secrets can be destroying.  It can hurt lives.  Look at what it did to this lady.  Can you even begin to imagine??  Marrying your father?  Now....if that isn't something to cause you to be depressed and have all kinds of illnesses like this poor woman, nothing is!

While the things I've dealt with from others and their opinions are probably nothing compared to what this lady has, I feel like I can relate somewhat.  One thing she said stands out:  "I can't do anything about what they think. I just know what I think. God is always mighty, and he teaches you to tell the truth no matter what."

See, this lady came forth with the truth...something that most people would want to hide and not tell a soul....in order to try to help someone else who might be going through or have gone through it.  Sure it's on a different level and about something so much 'more' than anything I could ever say.....but this has always been my feelings too.....share, share, share so others know they are not alone and that someone else understands.

She did an amazing thing that took so much guts if you ask me and yet when asked about response to her story she said it has been mixed....more positive than negative.  But that means the negative is there.  People have said her secrets should remain secret.  Really?  And who are they to decide that?  And who are they to think it's ok to say that?  Hasn't she been through enough?

I wonder if people told this brave woman that she needed help.  Did they tell her she's just looking for pity by sharing her story?  Did they tell her she needed to get over it?  I really hope not but I've learned that life....and people....are not kind and they sure aren't fair.

I pray for this sweet woman and I thank God for her faith that shows through in this article.  I can't imagine have gone through what she has and being able to talk about it to the world.....and then getting those less than kind comments spoken back.  She deserves love and compassion and understanding.  I hope she has lots of those kinds of people in her life.....those that hold her up instead of pull her down.

the 'other' mom

In our house speaking about adoption (and specifically Gracie's adoption) is as natural and easily talked about as what we are having for supper. We are very careful to use the 'right' terms.  For instance, there is only one mom....that's me.  Now Gracie knows who her 'birthmom' is but I am mom and we are all secure in that.

Gracie is very vocal with others about being adopted and speaks of it at school to her classmates easily.  Last week I went to have lunch with her.  In the lunch line one of her classmates asked her if I was her Grandma LOL.  Gracie said 'No, this is my mom.  She's just older because I'm adopted.'  The friend replied 'I know, you told us in group.  You told us that you were adopted a few minutes after you were both.  And that your mom is mean.'

UM....lol

Gracie very quickly says 'no I didn't say that'.....and the girl says 'no, the OTHER mom'.  OH, now I get it.

Other kids don't necessarily know the right terms, or the ones we use...they don't always understand everything about adoption and esp one that was attempted to be open and is spoken about so much.  But...they sure do understand the child's feelings on the people involved.  It was really interesting to hear from an 'outsider' what Gracie's perspective is.

BUT...I'm not the mean mom :-)

why I blog

The blogging world has just exploded....it often seems like everyone is blogging.  Just as there are so many different kinds of people who choose to do this, there are many different kinds of blogs as well.  You can find blogs on almost any topic, geared towards many various groups of people, about someone's life, that teaches, shows off something, full of pictures, is sarcastic in nature and so forth.  Whatever you want to read, it's out there.

I think a lot, maybe even most, blogs have some sort of theme or idea behind them and the writer pretty much sticks to that in all the posts they make.  For example, someone might choose to write stories about their family, or they post pictures of whatever craft they make, or they write inspirational blogs to teach and so forth.

My blog is somewhat different, reflecting me.  I will be the first to admit that my blog is sort of all over the place. Yes I have one that I put crocheting on.  For me that doesn't mean that I won't post about crocheting on my main blog though. Keeps you guessing lol.  But on my main blog....you will find all kinds of things.  Sometimes it might be about my family, or my crafts, or something funny, or a picture or graphic.  But what is more likely for you to find is that I write about things that are personal, things that are near and dear to my heart....important things, at least important to me.

One things that I absolutely believe is that I go through things in order to show others that might go through them that they are not alone and there is someone that understands and to help others in any way that I can.  I believe that the only way I can do that is to be completely honest and totally transparent in everything about my life.....which I am.  I'm really open and I'm not afraid to speak up.  I have been through so many things in my life, more than more people can really understand.....some I've shared and some I haven't yet....but probably will in time.  God brings me through them for a reason and if I don't step up and do/say what I think that God wants me to then I'm failing, and in a big way.  It's my 'duty'.

For that reason I lay myself out for everyone to see.  I get a lot of flack from people.....but on the other hand....I get so much more encouragement and thankfulness for what I do.  Let me say that the good outweighs the bad so much.  I would rather reach 1 person and alienate 10 than to make 10 of those that don't like what I do happy and alienate the one.  I believe God is blessed when I do what He's called me to do.

And I do believe that this is a calling from God.  There isn't a lot I can do, esp with my depression, anxiety, etc.....but I can use my words.  That's easy for me and I will do that gladly.  This I find much easier.  Each of us have different talents and not many are a like.  I'm glad to claim this one as mine.  Thank You God.

Sometimes I blog often and sometimes I go a period of time between posting.  Sometimes it's easier than others.  There are times when I want to post about my family.....something that happened, something funny, a picture, etc.  But more often it is something that can be considered somewhat controversial....or as some have put it being a drama queen.  At those times it is something that people are caught off guard about it, that they don't expect.....and very often don't understand and don't like....maybe because it hits too close to home.

When I'm going to blog, it's sometimes a long process for me if it is something serious, etc.  I have an idea and usually it is something small.  Many things could bring it up.  I have to spend some thinking and praying about it.  Then I wait on God.  Sometimes I want to post, but He just doesn't give me what I need to blog right away.  I always wait on Him.  I just can't blog with out the words from Him.  It may sound silly but that's how it is for me.  Often I find myself getting ready to go to blogger to write but it's just not there......and so I wait....I wait until whenever.

Blogging is never, for me, about being a drama queen, it is not about growing up, being an adult or needing a shrink.....it is always about bring light to the those issues that need to be brought up, that need to be talked about, that others shrink away from.  You see....when people don't talk about the things they are going through then there is no way for them to show others that they are not a lone.  And I guarantee that if you are going through something, so is someone else.  And most people really need to know that there is someone else that really understand and will be there for them.  I want to be that person....at least in the areas of things I've went through.  I know I can.  God has used me in the past and I know He will use me in the present and in the future.  It's my calling.  It's the reason I've gone through what I have.

I will continue to blog.  I will blog when I feel that it's right.  Sometimes it will be day after day and sometimes there will be times of silence between the blogging.  It just depends.  And along with posting the every day this and that, and despite the negativity and so forth that I get at times, many times (shall I say most of the time) I blog it will be about the urgent, serious, important, controversial issues.  Because that is what life is about.  Not necessarily the happy, oh so wonderful things.....but the down dirty, hard to talk about things.

That's me....it's how I am, it's how I feel and it's what I believe in.  And as long as I continue to reach people and it's God's Will, I will continue.  Call me names, put me down, say what you will......my God is bigger.....and you don't have to read my words.

God bless and to those I reach.....you bless me when you respond, when you write me back.  Need me?  I'm here!!!

why didn't she want me?

As adoptive parents we know that there are going to be unchartered waters that we have to maneuver through with our children.  There will be questions that come, there will be answers that will have to be given, there will be feelings that have to be dealt with, etc.  We don't always have the answers, most of the time all we can do is to be completely honest and help our kids to work through the feelings that they have.  I think that even the most well adjusted adopted children still have feelings that they have to work through.

We have always felt that the very best way for us to handle things (for Gracie and for our family) was to raise Gracie from the very beginning knowing she was adopted, knowing who all the people in her background are, and to always tell Gracie the truth, age appropriate, about everything.  I believe we chose the right way.  Gracie is well grounded, secure and happy, despite some of the things she's been asked to have to deal with.  It has hurt my heart that some of her hurt has come because of decisions we made (in trying to make open adoption work when it didn't), but I think she understands why we tried as well as why things have ended up as they have (not our choice).

We speak so openly and honestly about Gracie being adopted that it is just a fact of her life, no different than if we were speaking about her fav food or tv show.  Gracie is open to talking to others about it.  Kids at school find it fascinating and they ask her questions.  One day recently she came home and said she had been talking with some kids on the playground and they asked her what her last name was when she born.  Great question.  We talked about it.

So out of the blue on Sunday (on the way to her softball tournament) she brings up about kids liking to talk about her being adopted and how they don't know kids that have been.  I explained that even adults like to talk about it and that one of the softball moms had been talking to me about it on Saturday.  She thought that was really cool.  I told her that often kids weren't told the truth until they were older, or it wasn't openly talked about.  We also talked about the fact that open adoption is pretty rare so kids and adults like to hear about it.

During the conversation  Gracie asked us when we told her she was adopted and we explained that we had always told her.  That we had raised her from the time she was born to know it, accept it and understand it.  She thought that was really cool.  We told her that she could always talk about it and she could ask us any questions she wanted.

Without a second's hesitation she said 'I have a question then'.  Ok, let's have it.  She goes on.....'Why didn't she want me?  Why did she give me up?'  Have I said that she's only 8?  This is a serious, heavy question from my beautiful baby girl.....a GREAT question.  Just not one that I really expected....yet.  But here it was. Ready or not, I had to answer.  I heard Dave take a breath and I know I did too.  As I said she is 8....she doesn't know what rape means, although she does know what lying about something means.  There was a lot to this answer to give her, it wasn't some simple words that I could speak.  I wasn't going to lie to her about any part it no matter what either.  It would have to be the truth, in terms she could understand and hopefully accept at least for now.

It is hard for a child to understand why someone would not want them.  It's hard for them to see that their siblings were 'wanted' but feel they weren't.  It is hard to work through birth mom issues separate from birth father issues.  There are feelings of rejection, of uncaring, etc.  And if there have been attempts at open adoption that have failed those feelings of rejection and not being wanted are magnified even more.  If the open adoption fails on one side but remains open on the other (which is how it is in our situation) it can cause even more feelings to be dealt with....but why does he want me but she doesn't?  Heavy stuff for little ones.  I'm so thankful that Gracie is so strong, so secure and even when she's hurt and upset over some of this, she manages to deal with it.  Sometimes she deals with it by turning it to anger but that's ok.  She has a right to be angry.

So she asks the million dollar question 'why didn't she want me'?  I found it interesting that she didn't ask why didn't they or she and he want me, but why didn't she want me.  I think that that is because she is secure in knowing how much that her birth father (and his Erin and the kids) love her, want her, want to spend time with her, etc.  We need to talk a bit further about his aspect of the adoption (we ran out of time as we got to the ball park Sunday)....I want to make sure that she knows deep in her heart how much that she is loved and wanted by them and that I'm just about positive that had he known about her from the beginning he would not have given her up, but thank God for the man that he is....once the adoption was so far into it, he did what was best for her and didn't take her from us.  We'll always be grateful to him for that, more than he will know.  They would want to see her all the time if they could and she loves them just as much.

Ok, back to the question.  She asked, I took that deep breath and dove in.  I told her.  Yes the details aren't necessarily very 'pretty', they aren't happy, they are what they are.  But I told her.  I explained the lies (using words she could understand instead of those she didn't for now)....what was told at the beginning and then what the truth was when it came out as to what the reasons were.  She quietly listened to it all.  She already knows she hasn't heard a word and seen anyone in 3 years and she knows why.  At the end of my answer she said first 'ok'.  She then spoke of her siblings being kept and we talked about them being with their dads instead now.  Again without hesitation she said 'and she's really mean.'....wow, out of the mouths of babes.  This is her perspective, this is what she believes and how she feels.  I won't take that away from her.  She's earned it after all she's went through, dealt with, etc.  She told us how glad she was that we adopted her and gave her a good life and how happy she is and how much she loves us.  I told her that she could ask us anything at all about her adoption, about anyone involved in it at any time and we would always answer and always tell her the truth.  She said ok.....and we pulled into the ball park.

I can't ask for anything more than that.  I am one very proud Mama of an amazing, beautiful, smart, strong, incredible child.  I thank God for her constantly.

If you are an adoptive mom....regardless of your story, be ready for the questions.  They will come.  Just be honest.  No matter what age, be honest.  Use age appropriate words, you can always tell more details as your child ages, but always be honest.  It will serve you and your child best.

If you are an adopted child...and you have questions (which you probably do), talk to your parents.  Give them a chance to sit down with you and share the honest answers that you are looking for.  It might be hard for them but give them a chance.

If you are a birth mom....know that your birth child will, at some point, have questions.  If you can be there, do so.  Help to answer those questions, it will give them security and safety in life.  If not you are doing them a great disservice.

I'm proud to be not just a Mom, but an adoptive Mom.  I believe that it is a role that not everyone plays, that God calls special people to.  I take it very seriously.  Make no mistake, however.....I might be an adoptive Mom....but this is MY child.  She is loved more than life.  She's not just an adoptive child, she's my child....through and through.

needs

As humans we have needs, actually we have a lot of needs. Sometimes it is easier than others to express those needs to others.  Some people have more needs, some less.  And while we have some of the same needs, as individuals we have different needs as well.

Recently I expressed what was in my heart....it went from some of what I've been through (in order to show why I might be the way I am), then to where I was to where I am.  I expressed my needs.  I listed a lot of things, I know I did.

I think that it is unrealistic for me, or anyone else, to expect that all of their needs will be met, and especially from any one person.  I think that's why God places to many people in our lives....because they each meet different needs that we have and they fill different areas in our lives and we are complete because of that.

It's not ever easy for me to say specifically to any one person 'I need this'....but it's easier for me to hide behind my words, in a sense, and be general in what I say.  I think that most people know where they fall in your life, they know the parts that they fulfill and the roles that they play.  They know what they are willing to do in the name of friendship (or not)....and then it's either enough or not.  It's a give and take between two people....something that is played out over and over between people.

I'm not perfect....and I want a lot out of life, I want a lot out of my relationships (whatever they are)....and I'm incredibly thankful for those that care enough to meet the needs that they are willing to meet.  I promise that I am a good friend, that I care, I love and I would do anything for my friends and it has nothing to do with my needs being met.  It's easy for me to forgive and move on.  Sometimes things hurt, but that's life.  What's important is what you do and how you deal with it.  I have changed in this area....grown, I like to think.

Please don't let my list of needs turn you off.  I think that my real, true friends understand me and get me.  They understand what I was saying there and no matter what they are there for me.....and it has nothing to do with what I want and/or what I need.  It has to do with true friendship, with two people that care and love each other.  I'm so thankful for my friends...and those that aren't really are just missing out.  I think it doesn't matter to them.

Want to be my friend in any manner?  Awesome.  Think you can meet one need or five or ten?  Wonderful, let's do it.  Can't meet any, let's be friends anyway and I'll try to deal with that.  Give me a chance to show you that despite the honest, blunt and heart-felt words I share on my blog/notes that I can be a terrific friend.

On the other hand, don't want to be my friend?  Feel like I'm a horrible person and what I'm saying is just the worst?  Honestly, it's ok!!  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and just like I have mine, so do others.  I only ask that those that feel differently keep their comments to themselves instead of posting the kinds of comments that my stalker posted earlier this year and this "Lisa" posted last night.  I don't deserve them and I finally know it.  I'm a good person, even though I'm not perfect.  There is no perfect person, period.  Only Jesus was perfect and He walked the earth so many years ago.  But He does guide and lead me.  I get it wrong....but you know what....I pick myself up and I dust myself off and I try again.  That's all we can do.  God's mercies are new every day, thank God.  He forgives in an instant....and so do I.

So back to needs.....understand that every single person in your life, no matter their role, has needs.  Some you can fulfill and some you can't.  Do what you can, talk to your friend and explain if you can't and I'd bet they will understand.....and be so thankful for what you want/can do.  YOU are amazing.  I love you all.

And......thank you for loving me, thank you for encouraging me, and thank you for caring enough to meet at least some of my needs.  That's truly what friendship is all about.  I'm blessed....and I never want to take you for granted.  If I do that, please forgive me....and love me anyway.  While I have needs.....the desire to be love is even stronger.

Some thoughts

I have learned so much this year and came so far.  I have been to the bottom and pulled myself back up.  I have lost and regained.  I have started over....and over...and over.  I'm not always where I want to be but I'm never down for good.  You might or might not know this about me....but I am a very honest, upfront person.  I share bluntfully, I don't have a problem with words when it comes to my feelings, what I'm going through, what I've been through, what I believe in, etc.  A lot of people appreciate this and I get a lot of feedback that is so positive from those that understand, those that can relate, those that need a friend too, etc.  But unfortunately there are those 'others'.  They are the ones that don't understand, don't care to understand, don't want to take the time to get to know the real you, to get to know the real issues...but yet they feel perfectly ok with spouting their negative, bullying, proclaiming nonsense to you.  This will be the one and only time that I address this on my blog.  After all I went through earlier this year I will do things much differently this time.  I have learned that it doesn't matter what you go through or who you are....there are always those that think it's ok, even though they don't know you, to post comments as if they do, comments that are far from helpful, comments that are far from honest and far from the truth.  I've seen it happen to a wonderful friend of mine and dang, if it can happen to her, of course it will happen to me.  But, this time around....I will moderate comments and when one of those not so nice ones comes I will neither answer it nor publish it.  It will be immediately deleted and if the sender can be blocked, they will be.  It's the new me.

You see....you don't write someone that you don't know and say 'I'm not trying to be mean....but you need serious mental help.' Ummm, what part of that is nice?  You don't make comments that you know absolutely nothing about.  Guess what??  I suffer from depression and anxiety!  Telling me I need mental help is no different than telling someone with the flu that they need to see a doctor! How hilarious.

I am a kind, loving person who would do anything for anyone.  So the comment 'you can not treat people like this' really just does not make sense at all.  Again, it made me laugh.

And Lisa?  Yes, it takes a very special person to be my friend.  I have a lot of them.  You? You are not one of them.

And so folks....the new me that has learned so much this year is not going to deal with this stuff, period.  I will not publish any comments that are not polite and kind, will not publish any that are bullying and nasty.  There will be no answering these people.  All such things will be deleted and life will move on.  I might have a lot of needs but I do not need the approval or understanding of such people.  If I sound a little harsh, well I've been through hell to get to the point I'm at and I'm not going back.  They will not drag me back down.

Enough of that.....and now for the rest:
Did you know that today is Suicide Awareness Day?

Please remember those that have fallen to this horrific thing....and keep those in mind that struggle with this.  AND (this is a biggie) don't add junk to someone's life who struggles with this.  Don't post nasty things to them when they already have this to deal with!  Be kind, be loving, THINK.

While I've been pretty quiet as I've worked through so many things lately, I did want to say a huge thank you to each and every one of you that has reached out with a message, an email, a text, a graphic or post to my FB wall, etc.  So many of you.....and I love you all.  You are amazing, thank you for encouraging me when I'm down and struggling.  I don't like these times when they come.  They are like being in the desert with no water, no protection, nothing.....wandering, alone...even when you know your friends are all around. xoxo

me, part 2

sorry I might not make a lot of sense but I thought of a few more things....

I need friends that don't mind reaching out to me because I just can't..  I am not able to issue invitations, reach out, ask for help, tell people when I need someone, etc.

I wish my husband cared enough to give me attention, to do something when I  am doing things that hurt me (and he knows it), etc.  I need a partner that cares.

I can't reach out, I can't make phone calls or answer calls, rarely.  I need friends that doesn't care when I withdraw.....but reaches out, shows up, does thing that show they love me despite that.

I need friends that understand when I get hurt and love me anyway.  That will ignore what I saw, show up and just now me.  When I'm so hurt and then I feel like I'm ignored it really makes my feelings intensifies.

I need friends that understand the issues with Meag.

I need friends that reach out.....that don't just ignore me, make other plans for weeks and nothing with me.

I wish I had a good marriage like I used to.

I hate myself so much.

I need you......will you be my friend?  Will you be the friend I need?  Or am I asking too much?  :-(

life, changes and all about me

Let me tell you about me....

Growing up I was a very shy person.  I had friends but they weren't the 'popular' people.....and that left me open to a lot of what today would be called bullying.  I was picked on, I was called names, I was made fun of.....and I absolutely hated school.  I didn't speak much, I didn't know (or couldn't) stand up or speak up for myself....and I was afraid of what would happen if I did.

Life at home was horrible, to put it mildly.  While I love my Dad very much (and understand him and his disease much more now) in those days I didn't know how to deal with it or what to do or how to get out of it, etc.  My Dad was an alcoholic.  He drank constantly.....from early to late.  He was one of those alcoholics that he was not so nice when he didn't enough alcohol in them, then he was nice when he had just enough, then he wasn't so nice when he had too much.  And you never knew what you would get.

My mother ....whew! She was so so controlling.  If I didn't do things just like she wanted, how she wanted, etc, I knew about it.  I was 'wrong'.  It was so bad.  Looking back I know that all of it was abuse....emotional or mental abuse (there's much more that I'm not listing here).....and the really really sad thing is that it continued until 2007 when I finally decided to stand up for myself and say 'enough is enough and I"m done with it".  My Dad died in 2005 and because of my extremely limited contact with my Mother since 2007 I don't know if she would continue today or not.  I suspect yes,  but I don't know.

As I said, growing up, I was shy.  I was quiet, I didn't speak much.  Trust me....at my house you didn't speak up.....you were quiet and took it, regardless.  After high school, I moved in with my Granny to attend Jr College for 2 years, then 2 years at college and then I got married and moved thousands of miles away.  When I moved out, I changed......big time.  I had had enough of being a door mat, of not being me, of not being able to have an opinion etc.  I found my voice.....in a huge way.  I loved it, even if those around me didn't or found me hard to take with the changes.  For the first time in my life I could consider my to be out-going, I was the 'life of the party', I didn't have a problem talking to others....it was great.  It was like this for years.

Something or somethings happened over the years, specifically perhaps the last 8-10 or so years.  I could name quite a few things that I have went through, things that were just awful....but which or what caused it....I just don't know.  Maybe it was a combination of bits of all of it?  I didn't handle things well (I don't think that many people facing all of the life situations I did in addition to all of the health problems would have handled it well at all but I guess that doesn't matter).  Instead of standing strong and continuing in the path I was in, I spiraled downhill on a fast track.  The depression and anxiety, among other things hit me like a wall of bricks.  I had no one to turn to and absolutely no idea what to do.....neither with the things I was going through nor with the things happening to change me and who I was.  It happened and I felt powerless to do anything about it.

In the midst of the depression and anxiety I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  What a horrific disease.  It completely changes your life and you are powerful to do anything.  In addition....you not only don't look sick but other don't understand.....and that leads to a whole nother set of 'problems'.  With Fibro, you hurt in one place right now, and a completely different place 30 min from now.  You might be 'ok' right now....but then an hour from now be totally bowled under and just feeling so bad (regardless) of how you look, and unable to leave the house.  People don't understand that.  They think you should keep all appointments and don't understand when you have to cancel for the 20th time just because.  You may not be able to explain it.

As for the depression and anxiety, it really does a number on you too.....at least it did on me.  I was no longer that outgoing person who loved people and had a blast going at and at parties or get-together.  Now I was (and am) this shell of a person who is so shy and withdrawn.  It's hard to talk, hard to speak up.  I can barely leave the house.  Sometimes it is easier if I have a friend with me.....but ask me to go somewhere a lone (esp if it is a new place) and it's one of the hardest things I've ever hard to do.  I can rarely talk on the phone.....and it doesn't matter if it is someone that I have known for 30 years, just met or I'm trying to make a Dr's appt......having to either make a phone call or answer the phone sends me into a anxiety attack that is like no other.  It is horrible.  And for one who used to make her living talking on the phone, it's even worse.  Esp since I don't understand it and I don't know what to do about it.  It's really hard when friends don't understand this part of me either.

You know what?  I don't want to be like this!  I wish I could just snap my fingers and change.....but it doesn't happen that way.  I've always been a very sensitive person.....a lot of things hurt my feelings.  I used to cry...boy did I cry all the time.  That's another thing that has changed....I don't cry as much, but I get hurt just as much as ever.  Hmm, I wonder if I get hurt more?  I'm sure that sometimes I"m just reading things into something that I shouldn't and it shouldn't make me hurt.....but on the other hand, many times I know I'm 'right' in how I feel.  Once in awhile I'm able to speak up and either say that it hurt me or ask what I did....but that is rare for me.

Another thing that has changed is that I'm just now able to reach out to the others, even close friends.  I need them, most of the time I need them so much that I can't put it into words.....but I just can't reach out and say so.  What a mess.....and what do I do?  I can't make myself change.  You know I want friends so much.....but yet I want them to want me....I want them to want to be my friend, to be proactive, etc.  What I really want is friends that understand ME~!  And I know that I might not be a very good friend, even though I promise you that I try so very hard to be the best friend that I can.  I love my friends and I want them to know it.  I know that it is hard to be a friend to me because it requires people who can understand my depression, my anxiety, my pulling away (and chasing me) and my Fibro.  I know that's a lot.....and it takes a special person to deal with that.....and to want to deal with that.

I mentioned the pulling away......when I get hurt, when I get overwhelmed, when one thing after another after another happens, I just don't handle it.....and I withdraw.  I become even more quiet than I was, that when I cry a lot.  I want my friends then.....but even more so I can't reach out.  I'm paralyzed.....and I just stay to myself.  I wish someone would care enough to reach out but it rarely happens....people are busy, they don't want the hassle, etc.  So I'm alone....which makes things worse for me.  The depression and anxiety get worse.....it's a vicious cycle.  Every single thing hurts my feelings and makes me sad.  It takes quite awhile to work through it and process it.  It is just horrible.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I wish I could be a different person.  I wish I could be this perfect, wonderful person who doesn't have all of these problems and issues.....but I'm not.  This is me.....the not so good, the bad and the ugly.

The big question.....do you care enough to look past all of that, to work around my issues, to help me, to love me in spite of them, to be my friend regardless???

a tragedy

By now I think most people in America, and perhaps in the world, has heard about the tragedy that happened in CO a few days ago.  It was a horrible, senseless thing that happened.
 
I have many thoughts that go through my mind....I wonder if others do too?  I completely will admit that I do not pay much attention to gun control and issues about it.  I know what I believe and that's enough for me.  But I have to wonder if there could be 'something' in place that could have alerted someone about all of the things that this kid was buying up.  I know that there are lots of people that cry about freedom of rights....but for example if I'm going on an airplane and it's something that just might save me from a 9/11-type incident the go ahead....scan me away, search me all you want, look at my luggage and carry-on.  I give my 'freedom' for my safety.  For me, this is the same things.

I'm also very very sorry for this guy's dad/parents.  Can you imagine being in his/their position?  I know that i don't know much about him or them but really.....his/child just committed a horrible act against nature and I have such compassion for him/them. I say him because he is the one I saw on the news.  I'm not sure if there is a mom in the picture or not.  He will never be the same....and unless I see/hear differently nothing was his fault.  He's a victim.....and people will judge him harshly and they will always treat him differently, badly.

My heart just aches and hurts for all of these stories I keep seeing on the tv.  Kudos to all of those that did such heroic measures to save others....and of course, prayers to the family and friends of each and every victim.  What an incredible nightmare they must be going through right now.

I watched the news tonight that showed this 'guy' in his first court appearance today and how horribly scary he looked.  Was it staged or for real?  I'm sure the opinions of people will run the line of answering that.  After seeing that 'normal' picture of him all over the news, seeing this whacked out, nutty picture really threw me.

Now for the movies....it really made me think about whether I could or even want to go into a theater again.  I think that the chance of this happening again is slim but still....would I worry, be scared, be able to enjoy the movie?  I'm just not sure.  I was heartened to hear that so many didn't let this keep them from going this week.....sort of in a measure of showing support and that the hatefulness didn't win.  I'm really not sure that I would be strong enough to do it.

So many awesome stories coming out of this tragedy....stories of survival, stories of kids trying to save other kids, stories of proposals coming in the ER after this and on and on.  Amazing....and makes me cry all the time.

One HUGE thing on my mind since this happened is how we live our lives.  Think about it.....what if you were in that theater?  How would it change you?  Or what if someone you know was in there....and perhaps didn't survive?  Life is to short.  We simply must not end up in a situation like this where we have regrets....where we loved something and didn't tell them.  You just don't know what that might do for something if you tell them you love them.  Learn from this and let it change you....for the better.  Reach out to someone and tell them that you love them.  Maybe there is something that you haven't talked to in a long time or maybe there is someone that you've lost touch with or you've had a falling out with......two words: FIX IT.  No matter the cost.  Know deep inside you that it's worth it  People are worth it.  You don't want to leave this life without putting things right with everyone that you possibly can.  Perhaps you can't fix things with someone, but you can a least try.....and then know in your hear that you did all you could.  And for those situations you did fix....what an amazing, awesome thing.  God will rejoice.

Don't let this tragedy end with just horrible, bad things.....but rather, even though you weren't there or a friend wasn't there, turn this into something wonderful and positive.....I promise you won't regret it.

Friends, I love you.

Ready for a new week

Whew....it's been another one of 'those' weeks for me.  Seems like it's been just one situation that hurts to deal with after another.  For me and my sensitive stomach...the stress just kills me.  It causes my poor tummy to act up and it takes forever for it to settle down.

Why does it seem like the 'things' hit you one after another?  Or is it just me? lol  I had something mid-week that threw me for a loop and caused so much hurt.  I wasn't prepared, didn't expect it and was just plain floored.  Honestly I'm still not sure how to work through it....except through lots of prayer!  Thank You God for listening and giving me your input!

Followed that with something the end of the week....and topped it off with something else. Ok, I've had enough....I am ready for a new week.  I'm ready for my tummy to settle down and let me be.  And I'm sure praying that this week is much better than last week.

Sometimes I feel like I just don't fit in anywhere.  I try to think it through, each individual thing/area....and most everything I just don't understand.  I don't know if it's me or what I need to do to change things.  I can't change me....this is how God made me (as long as I'm 'obeying' and in His Will)....and you know the saying "God don't make no junk".  If I'm not in His Will or obeying, then I absolutely want to know that and want to change me in any way that I need to.  All I can do is ask for His wisdom and direction and input....and know that He will give it.

Sometimes I don't know how to deal with or process the hurt.  I have have been hurt so many times by being 'honest' about things and how I feel etc that I tend to freeze up and not say anything.  I'm not sure that's the answer....but yet, what is?  The 'me' in me wants to be so open and honest, all the time and especially with those I'm closest to'....but yet I just can't.  Right now I'm wishing I could.  Because sometimes I just feel so darn alone.  I struggle with someone to talk to about those things that are so deep within me.

Well, enough 'deep' stuff for tonight.  It's supper time.....and then hopefully some crochet time before bed.  I'll put all of this away for now....and just pray!

whee....

Roller coasters, tilt-a-whirl, teacups, octopus, swings....  just some of the rides you can find at an amusement park or midway somewhere.  I love all kinds of rides, love every roller coaster...even those that scare me.  But when our lives imitate those rides, well it just isn't fun any more.  I don't know about you but these days it sure seems that my life follows those rides continually.....and I want off!!

One minute up, one minute down, one minute left, one minute right, the next minute spinning out of control, once in a brief while softly swinging.  I want more of those gentle swing days as opposed to those heart-wrenching, breath-stopping, stomach-twisting roller coaster days.  Because most days I want to yell "STOP, I want off!"  And I'm sure on those days God just sits back and sighs and says 'hold on, I'm running this ride.'

I know, and all too often 'forget' until I'm once again blindsided, that when I have those gentle swing days that that satan is going to make sure to trip me up by sending one of those 'other' days to me.  And instead of being prepared, yep...I'm caught off guard, once again.  Sorry, God.  Yes, I know I'm slow; thank You for Your patience with me.  Will I ever learn?

Sometimes when I'm going through something I just can't seem to find the answer to solve it, or at least to get past it or out of it or put it behind me.  I feel stuck.  Ever felt that way?  Again...sorry God! I know You are waiting with the answer for me, if I will just ask....and be patient for the answer.

Sometimes I just can't see what is the 'right' thing to do.  Sometimes you are in a situation that either decision you make really isn't 'wrong', it isn't bad or unChristlike....but you just can't see what is the decision that you should make.  I'm there right now.  It's hard to work through something that falls in this category.  I think it takes time, a lot of thought, a lot of prayer.

Life is hard.  God never said it wouldn't be.  Sometimes we get frustrated because we think it is unfair that life is so hard, but you know, that's just how life is.  Our reward comes later, not now. It doesn't mean we can't have a good or happy and productive life...but this isn't what we are living for.  We have to remember that.

So...hang on, tighten up those safety harnesses....close your eyes if you need to.  But if you are really daring, throw those hands in the air, eyes wide open....and don't hesitate to scream if need be (sometimes it helps!).