life, changes and all about me

Let me tell you about me....

Growing up I was a very shy person.  I had friends but they weren't the 'popular' people.....and that left me open to a lot of what today would be called bullying.  I was picked on, I was called names, I was made fun of.....and I absolutely hated school.  I didn't speak much, I didn't know (or couldn't) stand up or speak up for myself....and I was afraid of what would happen if I did.

Life at home was horrible, to put it mildly.  While I love my Dad very much (and understand him and his disease much more now) in those days I didn't know how to deal with it or what to do or how to get out of it, etc.  My Dad was an alcoholic.  He drank constantly.....from early to late.  He was one of those alcoholics that he was not so nice when he didn't enough alcohol in them, then he was nice when he had just enough, then he wasn't so nice when he had too much.  And you never knew what you would get.

My mother ....whew! She was so so controlling.  If I didn't do things just like she wanted, how she wanted, etc, I knew about it.  I was 'wrong'.  It was so bad.  Looking back I know that all of it was abuse....emotional or mental abuse (there's much more that I'm not listing here).....and the really really sad thing is that it continued until 2007 when I finally decided to stand up for myself and say 'enough is enough and I"m done with it".  My Dad died in 2005 and because of my extremely limited contact with my Mother since 2007 I don't know if she would continue today or not.  I suspect yes,  but I don't know.

As I said, growing up, I was shy.  I was quiet, I didn't speak much.  Trust me....at my house you didn't speak up.....you were quiet and took it, regardless.  After high school, I moved in with my Granny to attend Jr College for 2 years, then 2 years at college and then I got married and moved thousands of miles away.  When I moved out, I changed......big time.  I had had enough of being a door mat, of not being me, of not being able to have an opinion etc.  I found my voice.....in a huge way.  I loved it, even if those around me didn't or found me hard to take with the changes.  For the first time in my life I could consider my to be out-going, I was the 'life of the party', I didn't have a problem talking to others....it was great.  It was like this for years.

Something or somethings happened over the years, specifically perhaps the last 8-10 or so years.  I could name quite a few things that I have went through, things that were just awful....but which or what caused it....I just don't know.  Maybe it was a combination of bits of all of it?  I didn't handle things well (I don't think that many people facing all of the life situations I did in addition to all of the health problems would have handled it well at all but I guess that doesn't matter).  Instead of standing strong and continuing in the path I was in, I spiraled downhill on a fast track.  The depression and anxiety, among other things hit me like a wall of bricks.  I had no one to turn to and absolutely no idea what to do.....neither with the things I was going through nor with the things happening to change me and who I was.  It happened and I felt powerless to do anything about it.

In the midst of the depression and anxiety I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  What a horrific disease.  It completely changes your life and you are powerful to do anything.  In addition....you not only don't look sick but other don't understand.....and that leads to a whole nother set of 'problems'.  With Fibro, you hurt in one place right now, and a completely different place 30 min from now.  You might be 'ok' right now....but then an hour from now be totally bowled under and just feeling so bad (regardless) of how you look, and unable to leave the house.  People don't understand that.  They think you should keep all appointments and don't understand when you have to cancel for the 20th time just because.  You may not be able to explain it.

As for the depression and anxiety, it really does a number on you too.....at least it did on me.  I was no longer that outgoing person who loved people and had a blast going at and at parties or get-together.  Now I was (and am) this shell of a person who is so shy and withdrawn.  It's hard to talk, hard to speak up.  I can barely leave the house.  Sometimes it is easier if I have a friend with me.....but ask me to go somewhere a lone (esp if it is a new place) and it's one of the hardest things I've ever hard to do.  I can rarely talk on the phone.....and it doesn't matter if it is someone that I have known for 30 years, just met or I'm trying to make a Dr's appt......having to either make a phone call or answer the phone sends me into a anxiety attack that is like no other.  It is horrible.  And for one who used to make her living talking on the phone, it's even worse.  Esp since I don't understand it and I don't know what to do about it.  It's really hard when friends don't understand this part of me either.

You know what?  I don't want to be like this!  I wish I could just snap my fingers and change.....but it doesn't happen that way.  I've always been a very sensitive person.....a lot of things hurt my feelings.  I used to cry...boy did I cry all the time.  That's another thing that has changed....I don't cry as much, but I get hurt just as much as ever.  Hmm, I wonder if I get hurt more?  I'm sure that sometimes I"m just reading things into something that I shouldn't and it shouldn't make me hurt.....but on the other hand, many times I know I'm 'right' in how I feel.  Once in awhile I'm able to speak up and either say that it hurt me or ask what I did....but that is rare for me.

Another thing that has changed is that I'm just now able to reach out to the others, even close friends.  I need them, most of the time I need them so much that I can't put it into words.....but I just can't reach out and say so.  What a mess.....and what do I do?  I can't make myself change.  You know I want friends so much.....but yet I want them to want me....I want them to want to be my friend, to be proactive, etc.  What I really want is friends that understand ME~!  And I know that I might not be a very good friend, even though I promise you that I try so very hard to be the best friend that I can.  I love my friends and I want them to know it.  I know that it is hard to be a friend to me because it requires people who can understand my depression, my anxiety, my pulling away (and chasing me) and my Fibro.  I know that's a lot.....and it takes a special person to deal with that.....and to want to deal with that.

I mentioned the pulling away......when I get hurt, when I get overwhelmed, when one thing after another after another happens, I just don't handle it.....and I withdraw.  I become even more quiet than I was, that when I cry a lot.  I want my friends then.....but even more so I can't reach out.  I'm paralyzed.....and I just stay to myself.  I wish someone would care enough to reach out but it rarely happens....people are busy, they don't want the hassle, etc.  So I'm alone....which makes things worse for me.  The depression and anxiety get worse.....it's a vicious cycle.  Every single thing hurts my feelings and makes me sad.  It takes quite awhile to work through it and process it.  It is just horrible.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I wish I could be a different person.  I wish I could be this perfect, wonderful person who doesn't have all of these problems and issues.....but I'm not.  This is me.....the not so good, the bad and the ugly.

The big question.....do you care enough to look past all of that, to work around my issues, to help me, to love me in spite of them, to be my friend regardless???