why didn't she want me?

As adoptive parents we know that there are going to be unchartered waters that we have to maneuver through with our children.  There will be questions that come, there will be answers that will have to be given, there will be feelings that have to be dealt with, etc.  We don't always have the answers, most of the time all we can do is to be completely honest and help our kids to work through the feelings that they have.  I think that even the most well adjusted adopted children still have feelings that they have to work through.

We have always felt that the very best way for us to handle things (for Gracie and for our family) was to raise Gracie from the very beginning knowing she was adopted, knowing who all the people in her background are, and to always tell Gracie the truth, age appropriate, about everything.  I believe we chose the right way.  Gracie is well grounded, secure and happy, despite some of the things she's been asked to have to deal with.  It has hurt my heart that some of her hurt has come because of decisions we made (in trying to make open adoption work when it didn't), but I think she understands why we tried as well as why things have ended up as they have (not our choice).

We speak so openly and honestly about Gracie being adopted that it is just a fact of her life, no different than if we were speaking about her fav food or tv show.  Gracie is open to talking to others about it.  Kids at school find it fascinating and they ask her questions.  One day recently she came home and said she had been talking with some kids on the playground and they asked her what her last name was when she born.  Great question.  We talked about it.

So out of the blue on Sunday (on the way to her softball tournament) she brings up about kids liking to talk about her being adopted and how they don't know kids that have been.  I explained that even adults like to talk about it and that one of the softball moms had been talking to me about it on Saturday.  She thought that was really cool.  I told her that often kids weren't told the truth until they were older, or it wasn't openly talked about.  We also talked about the fact that open adoption is pretty rare so kids and adults like to hear about it.

During the conversation  Gracie asked us when we told her she was adopted and we explained that we had always told her.  That we had raised her from the time she was born to know it, accept it and understand it.  She thought that was really cool.  We told her that she could always talk about it and she could ask us any questions she wanted.

Without a second's hesitation she said 'I have a question then'.  Ok, let's have it.  She goes on.....'Why didn't she want me?  Why did she give me up?'  Have I said that she's only 8?  This is a serious, heavy question from my beautiful baby girl.....a GREAT question.  Just not one that I really expected....yet.  But here it was. Ready or not, I had to answer.  I heard Dave take a breath and I know I did too.  As I said she is 8....she doesn't know what rape means, although she does know what lying about something means.  There was a lot to this answer to give her, it wasn't some simple words that I could speak.  I wasn't going to lie to her about any part it no matter what either.  It would have to be the truth, in terms she could understand and hopefully accept at least for now.

It is hard for a child to understand why someone would not want them.  It's hard for them to see that their siblings were 'wanted' but feel they weren't.  It is hard to work through birth mom issues separate from birth father issues.  There are feelings of rejection, of uncaring, etc.  And if there have been attempts at open adoption that have failed those feelings of rejection and not being wanted are magnified even more.  If the open adoption fails on one side but remains open on the other (which is how it is in our situation) it can cause even more feelings to be dealt with....but why does he want me but she doesn't?  Heavy stuff for little ones.  I'm so thankful that Gracie is so strong, so secure and even when she's hurt and upset over some of this, she manages to deal with it.  Sometimes she deals with it by turning it to anger but that's ok.  She has a right to be angry.

So she asks the million dollar question 'why didn't she want me'?  I found it interesting that she didn't ask why didn't they or she and he want me, but why didn't she want me.  I think that that is because she is secure in knowing how much that her birth father (and his Erin and the kids) love her, want her, want to spend time with her, etc.  We need to talk a bit further about his aspect of the adoption (we ran out of time as we got to the ball park Sunday)....I want to make sure that she knows deep in her heart how much that she is loved and wanted by them and that I'm just about positive that had he known about her from the beginning he would not have given her up, but thank God for the man that he is....once the adoption was so far into it, he did what was best for her and didn't take her from us.  We'll always be grateful to him for that, more than he will know.  They would want to see her all the time if they could and she loves them just as much.

Ok, back to the question.  She asked, I took that deep breath and dove in.  I told her.  Yes the details aren't necessarily very 'pretty', they aren't happy, they are what they are.  But I told her.  I explained the lies (using words she could understand instead of those she didn't for now)....what was told at the beginning and then what the truth was when it came out as to what the reasons were.  She quietly listened to it all.  She already knows she hasn't heard a word and seen anyone in 3 years and she knows why.  At the end of my answer she said first 'ok'.  She then spoke of her siblings being kept and we talked about them being with their dads instead now.  Again without hesitation she said 'and she's really mean.'....wow, out of the mouths of babes.  This is her perspective, this is what she believes and how she feels.  I won't take that away from her.  She's earned it after all she's went through, dealt with, etc.  She told us how glad she was that we adopted her and gave her a good life and how happy she is and how much she loves us.  I told her that she could ask us anything at all about her adoption, about anyone involved in it at any time and we would always answer and always tell her the truth.  She said ok.....and we pulled into the ball park.

I can't ask for anything more than that.  I am one very proud Mama of an amazing, beautiful, smart, strong, incredible child.  I thank God for her constantly.

If you are an adoptive mom....regardless of your story, be ready for the questions.  They will come.  Just be honest.  No matter what age, be honest.  Use age appropriate words, you can always tell more details as your child ages, but always be honest.  It will serve you and your child best.

If you are an adopted child...and you have questions (which you probably do), talk to your parents.  Give them a chance to sit down with you and share the honest answers that you are looking for.  It might be hard for them but give them a chance.

If you are a birth mom....know that your birth child will, at some point, have questions.  If you can be there, do so.  Help to answer those questions, it will give them security and safety in life.  If not you are doing them a great disservice.

I'm proud to be not just a Mom, but an adoptive Mom.  I believe that it is a role that not everyone plays, that God calls special people to.  I take it very seriously.  Make no mistake, however.....I might be an adoptive Mom....but this is MY child.  She is loved more than life.  She's not just an adoptive child, she's my child....through and through.